On nothing

If I told you how I feel about you
That would make me as bad as you.
Maybe even the fact I feel this way
Means I already am.

I don't hate you at all,
Though I'd have every right to do so,
After what you said to me
I should hate you through and through.

You had no right to put me down
Or to rub your happiness in my face.
I know you wanted to get a rise out of me
But I wouldn't give you the satisfaction.

How you treat people is a reflection of you,
It has nothing to do with me as a person.
If you want to compare me to swine
There's nothing I can do about that.

I don't know what brought on the attack,
Your poor attempt at an answer failed.
I don't care what you call me anymore
Because your words are meaningless.

You told me I was dirty - I laughed -
Clearly only in retrospect, I suspect
As I was good enough in your eyes
To share your bed when you were lonely.

You removed me from your life,
I didn't give a single damn,
But showed you your reflection
And I hope it bit you back.

I only ever offered you friendship,
I never judged you for past indiscretions.
I never hurt your feelings or your body
Or asked anything of you in return.

You thought you were hurting me
Or being so incredibly tough
but a real man has no need
To play such childish games.

The phase you were going through
When you called me such vile things
Is hopefully long since put to rest
And you are better than that now.

I hope the girl I was so harshly compared to
Get the best you have to offer
Because I have see a side of you
That I'm sure is not the worst.

This is the consequence of your action -
Not loud, vexatious words -
A calm civility and politeness
That anyone might hope to receive.

The nearly thirty years I'd known you,
Since you were a babe in arms,
Are a memory of a person long gone
And I mourn the loss of that soul.

But you are not that person -
That person is dead and buried,
Though no grave exists,
Nor tombstone to mark a life thrown away.

You, so callous and unfeeling,
Cannot hope to endear yourself to me
Nor claim any of the affection
That I had for that boy now gone.

I loved that boy as family
And you used his name in vain
So there is no more love to give,
The well has now run dry.

How I feel about you today -
After all you said and did -
Is a fraction of the emptiness
That fills the void between us.

It is something less than nothing -
Exactly what you thought of me.
You might have sought to bring me down
But your infantile insults fell far too short.

I say, "Good day to you, good sir."
Bow my head politely in your direction,
But the words are hollow vessels,
And I bid you (fond) adieu.

Foray into the Unknown

Should I take that first step,
Tentative and more than unsure,
Into a new arena
Where I enter blind?

I cannot fathom what might be,
What may be behind the door,
And I tremble
With anticipation.

I do not dare imagine a time
Where this is cast to the annals of history
And we are one,
Not living a lie.

Would it live up to all expectations,
When it's all I have dreamed of lately,
Or will it fail
Like every other?

It would break my heart in two,
Possible shatter in a million pieces,
If I opened the door
And you weren't there.

This venture could be my undoing,
The last resort of a desperate woman,
But I want it,
And always desired it.

A Letter to a Lover Never Known

If I could but send this letter
So much happier I might be
Knowing that you sought to receive it
And thought warmly of me.

My hand trembles at the notion
Of you laying eyes upon these words
I that I have crafted so carefully
As a sculptor carving feathers on wooden birds.

I drift through my imagination,
Stopping but here and there;
A tourist in my own mind sometimes,
Going beyond that which I thought I would dare.

But as I write these scant lines to you
My heart skips more than an occasional beat.
It races, it jumps, it stops in my throat
And plummets as if through my feet.

As I pen these words I long to say
My stomach turns itself in knots.
I grow giddy with anticipation
And before my eyes I see spots.

The ink seeps lovingly into the page,
A little rushed but none too soon.
Too long I have waited to tell you
And, the thought, how it makes me swoon.

So won't you forgive me this letter I write
For it comes completely from the heart.
I mean to cause no tension
Nor to prise any relationship apart.

I do not wish to be selfish or greedy
Or demand what isn't rightfully mine.
My intention is not to make you feel guilty
And I apologise if I have crossed a line.

But I cannot bear the thought
Of living always chasing a dream,
For no man can live up to the thought of you -
Your qualities are a recurring theme.

I must find a man who is funny,
Who's wit is beyond compare -
He must have me rolling in the aisles
And smiling in the depths of despair.

He needs to be handsome, but naturally so,
With a twinkle in the corner of his eye,
but without a notion of the superficial
And doesn't ogle every woman who goes by.

There must be some intelligence to him,
I couldn't bear an oaf, a lout or a clod.
A love of literature, music and fine arts
But not a snob or beastly sod.

A touch of romance wouldn't go astray
As long as it is genuinely bestowed -
A gift from the heart that is true
And not given in order to be owed.

If he could whip up a dish in the kitchen
Of a morning or later at night
I would lose my heart in an instant -
Faster than love at first sight.

He should be in control of his emotions
But not keep them bottled inside -
A man who stands for what he believes in
But won't be swallowed by his pride.

Lastly, he should be available,
Not already somehow attached,
Because I cannot suffer the struggle
To fight for a perfect match.

To these years, more than a decade,
I have given of myself every day
Without thought of reciprocation
Except in daydreams along the way.

I have never expected, asked or demanded
A return on my investment in you;
Even now I cannot fathom that you would
And it does not make me feel blue.

I have known all along, my sweet,
That what we have is all in my mind.
I oft thought that it would dissipate
And be all but left behind.

It never has been, though.
It stays and lurks and grows.
I hide from it and deny it
And fear the whole world knows.

So please release me from this torture
That I enjoy so much.
I am spoiled for all future loves
Without ever having felt your touch.