In battle

Here I sit in quiet contemplation

Regretting all I didn’t say to you

Knowing I couldn’t say it, still

Wanting to be more brave,

Or perhaps more stupid, than before

Because I’ve wanted to tell you

So many times up til this point.

Maybe you know but can’t say

For the same reasons that I can’t

And all that’s keeping us from each other

Is a thirty year old pledge

As worthless as the paper it’s written on.

I didn’t have the courage fifteen years ago,

When we sat together for what felt like forever,

And you confessed to me that it was simply

A vow you had made and couldn’t break.

I was afraid of what you were telling me

And relieved that you didn’t ask it of me

But now my feelings are conflicted

And I don’t know if I want to give in

Or be stronger than I ever thought possible.

I wish I could have relied on Dutch courage,

And been open and honest with you,

Because I’d carry any baggage you had,

I’d take the weight of the world on my shoulders

And receive the guilt that was laid at my door.