Sleepless Nights

18/09/2020 - Poem a Day Compilation



I’m so tired of it all.

The tears are welling in my eyes.

I cannot fathom a smile

Nor force a laugh

As I sit

All alone –

Not lonely;

Not unloved;

Just unwanted.



I am left upon the shelf,

An old maid made more redundant,

Gathering dust on my soul,

A wall around my heart,

My mind no longer a-buzz

But the softly clunking whir

Of a dying clock

Giving up its last tock.



I have no energy left

To make sense of this life,

Such that it is,

With hope slipping

Tediously away from me

Into a well I cannot reach

And whose bottom I cannot see

To be drowned in a soup

Of my emotional frailty

When perhaps, maybe, possibly

It is me that is drowning,

Dragged under by interminable currents

That wrap around me

In cold comfort

Like the hands of long forgotten ghosts

There, but not there,

Until I cannot go on,

My strength deserting me

In my hour of need

And I hear that pale horse riding by

The shoes and hooves

Clipping merrily as it goes on its way

Calling the forgotten

And the abandoned

And the forlorn

Like superfluous prizes

From a game no one desired to play.



I am so tired of it all

Yet I cannot sleep –

My eyes refuse to close against the darkness

And my thoughts refuse to quiet

As I search for that which I have lost

Or never had

And find myself wanting,

In so many ways

And by so many means,

Though I cannot hold onto that train

For more than a moment

As it vanishes into the night

And I crash in its wake

Upon the broken tracks of a life

I cannot control

Or fix

Or even walk.



I do not understand,

And the tears fall

Relentless reminders

Cascading upon the rocks

Like dreams I used to have,

Shattered before me

Into a thousand shards

That cut me and pain me

And torture me

Though no one sees

The blood that seeps

From every self-inflicted wound

And poisons the ground

Upon which I walk,

Nor do they hear my screams

Hurled into the void

And piercing my ears

Deafening me to all else

Except the pitiful whimpers

That accompany them.



I’m so tired of it all

But if I sleep

I may never wake

And that,

Somehow,

Might be worse.

The Madness

18/07/2020 –  Poem a Day Compilation


As the walls closed in

And the darkness fell

The sounds of the night

Crept into her ears

Her hands clamping about her head

Holding in what sanity remained

Against the screeches and screams

From beyond the brick walls

Of this lonely and lonesome place

From which there was no escape,

No distraction and no respite

Despite the frenzy of prayers

In this godforsaken place

To a non-existent deity

For a freedom that will never come

When lunacy takes hold of those

Who stand outside the door

That they no longer understand

What is right and wrong

And buy into the hysteria

Of the latest fad treatments

With no thought of the consequences

Of testing procedures on the manic

Without their permission

Or even their knowledge

Hidden from scrutiny by demented laws

Serving a master as unsound of mind

As those incarcerated in psychiatric wards

For indeterminate periods of time

Under the auspices of mental health

A true derangement of a system

Meant to protect the world from the insane

And the depressed from themselves

While the unstable run the asylum 

Which makes the rest of us mad.

Falling Asleep

27/04/2020 - Iso Well-Being Compilation



I sometimes have trouble falling asleep.

I stare at the ceiling in the dark.

A myriad of thoughts envelop me,

Causing neurons to fire,

Memories to burn through me,

Thoughts to cascade from my brain.



What if I’d said this, or not said that?

What if I’d take the holiday,

Or quite the job, or taken the deal?

Who would attend my funeral?

What flowers would they choose?

Would they even look at what I wanted?



Remember when you broke that promise,

And when you lied to your mum,

Or when you cheated on that test?

It doesn’t matter when it was –

Today, yesterday, last week …

Maybe twenty years ago.



All those new years resolutions you’ve broken,

The one where you’d lose weight,

Not care what other people thought,

Made more time for things you like doing?

All those things where you let life get in the way

And beat yourself up for later.



Remember when you were three,

Your friends mum chased you down the beach

Because she thought you’d thrown sand

At her precious daughter

Who could do no wrong, of course,

But had started the whole thing?



Did you lock the car when you came home?

You had work on your mind, distracted,

And you could have easily forgotten.

Not that it’s worth stealing.

But there’s that jacket you like

Draped on the back seat, just in case.



But what about when you were thirteen

And your dad took you skiing

But there were the guys he hung out with

Who thought you were older than you were,

And you didn’t like how they acted

Or spoke, or looked at you.



Oh, and there’s that meeting tomorrow

That you should have prepared for more

But now you can’t remember anything

About what you’re meant to be discussing

And there’s no way you’re not going to get fired

Because who’d want to employ you, anyway.



And



And


And why can I see stars that are so far away?