Outcast

14/04/2021 - Poem a Day Compilation



I’ve never fitted in

Even as a child

I’ve walked my own path

And sung my own song



I didn’t get invited to parties

Or asked out on dates

I don’t go to staff functions

And I rarely go out



I hate the idea of small talk

It makes me nauseous to the core

Sending my anxiety sky high

And draining every ounce of energy



I don’t do well in crowds

With the press of people all around

Unrestrained and unpredictable

It’s all too much for me



Other people’s emotional needs

Are like a flood inside my mind

Their pain seeping into my pores

Like an invisible toxic wave



I’d rather hang out with your pet dog

Or curled up with your cats and birds

Than spend time in the company

Of the same person for all the day



It’s not that I don’t like people

They just drain me of my strength

Making it difficult to continue

With the rest of my life



I embrace my inner hermit

And just hope others understand

That when I’ve had enough of people

It’s not a personal slight



It has seen me painted as an outcast

Someone who doesn’t want to join in

But want and need are two different beasts

That often pull in opposing directions



I want to be the life of the party

I want to be little miss socialite

I want to be everyone’s best buddy

But I need to keep the world at bay

The New Kid

21/02/2021 – Poem a Day Compilation



Walking into school

Not knowing anyone

Far away from friends

And worried about everything

Because you don’t know

Which teachers are nice

And which kids to stay away from

Or where the best spots are

When you want to sit quietly and read.



Will the librarian be strict

Or let you take an extra book

Every now and then?



Is the sports teacher cool

Or a hard arse

Who only has eyes for the very best?



Will that boys beat me up

If I look at him funny

Or sit in his seat in class?



Is the pretty girl going to laugh

When I talk to her

Or accept me for who I am?



You don’t know what you’re getting

Until you walk through those gates

And the world closes in on you

While you find your feet

And your voice,

And maybe being different

Isn’t different here

And I’ll fit in just fine

Even though I’m the new kid.

Trouble

19/01/2021 - Poem a Day Compilation



There’s trouble in the air

Blowing in the breeze

Howling in the gale

Whispering in the stillness



It’s the deafening shout

The call to arms

The charged battle-cry

The murmurings of misfortune



Where the worry meets you

And the anxiety takes hold,

The trials and tribulations

Break like waves on conflicted heads



It’s the money that changes hands

The deals behind closed doors

The handshakes over contracts

And the subtle nod and wink



When all is said and done

Good will hopefully prevail

But how many must suffer

Before the final shot

The Change in Me

12/01/2021 –  Poem a Day Compilation



I thought, as I grew older,

I would change much more than I have

But I am still the same person now

As I was when I was sixteen.



I am still the insecure little girl

Who doubted her abilities

Yet always tried her best

Regardless of the result.



I am still that hopeless romantic

Who craved love and affection

But never seemed to find it

Or even knew where to look.



I am still that anxiety-ridden teen

Scared to face the world

For fear of anything and everything

And nothing at all.



The change in me is insignificant –

Now I see my insecurities,

The hopelessness, the anxiety –

But what good does the seeing do?



No matter how hard I try

The doubt, the desire and the fear

Stay with me like a second skin,

A part of me I cannot remove.

Mood

08/12/2020 - Poem a Day Compilation



I’d like to escape from myself sometimes

When the sadness overwhelms me.

It’s always with me, deep inside

A sinking melancholy dragging me down.



I am forlorn and in despair,

There is nothing I can do

No saving grace to pull me through

And I must only survive this downheartedness.



I am not worth the time or effort

To repair my broken soul.

Just abandon me here,

Because I am not of any value.



It is laughable that I should be held

To be the best person for the job

Regardless of what the position is,

I will never meet the requirements.



I hate myself for feeling this way

But there’s no one to blame by myself,

Every day, I must atone for the wrong

That I have wrought every day prior.



I think about the world without me,

How much better that might be.

If I weren’t here to screw things up,

And no one would miss me anyhow.



I don’t want to go out to the movies,

Or read that book you recommended.

I don’t want to play football this year,

I just can’t be bothered anymore.



People say they’re trying to help

But they don’t stick around very long,

They get tired of me and leave,

Not that I blame them for that.



I haven’t slept in so long,

Not real sleep, anyway.

I lie awake at night, staring at the ceiling,

Wondering why I’m even here.



I don’t eat anymore.

Not unless I’m forced to.

The doctors say it’s unhealthy

But they don’t really care.



I just want to be left alone,

To stay in bed and not do anything,

I don’t want to move, or work,

Or talk to these people who say they’re friends.



Don’t talk to me right now,

I can’t focus on what you’re saying.

My mind is off, somewhere,

Anywhere but here.



No, I don’t know what I want to put on,

I don’t care what colour it is,

Why are you asking me to decide?

I don’t know what you want.



I stood at the top of the cliffs

I swallowed all the pills in the cabinet

I drove into a tree at high speed

But none of you will let me go.



The pain I feel is excoriating,

Every joint aches all the time.

I just want to be free from it all

And to not have the agony prolonged.



My bag is packed and under my bed,

Like it has been since I was twelve

I don’t want to be here

But you won’t let me leave this place.



Nothing I do is right,

I can’t live like this any more

The constant attempts and failures

Are eating away at my very soul.



You all have it so easy,

You breeze through every hurdle.

I hate what this world has made me

And I hate the world as well.



One day I will burn this place

And everything it contains.

Maybe it will take me, too,

And I will be at peace.

Sleepless Nights

18/09/2020 - Poem a Day Compilation



I’m so tired of it all.

The tears are welling in my eyes.

I cannot fathom a smile

Nor force a laugh

As I sit

All alone –

Not lonely;

Not unloved;

Just unwanted.



I am left upon the shelf,

An old maid made more redundant,

Gathering dust on my soul,

A wall around my heart,

My mind no longer a-buzz

But the softly clunking whir

Of a dying clock

Giving up its last tock.



I have no energy left

To make sense of this life,

Such that it is,

With hope slipping

Tediously away from me

Into a well I cannot reach

And whose bottom I cannot see

To be drowned in a soup

Of my emotional frailty

When perhaps, maybe, possibly

It is me that is drowning,

Dragged under by interminable currents

That wrap around me

In cold comfort

Like the hands of long forgotten ghosts

There, but not there,

Until I cannot go on,

My strength deserting me

In my hour of need

And I hear that pale horse riding by

The shoes and hooves

Clipping merrily as it goes on its way

Calling the forgotten

And the abandoned

And the forlorn

Like superfluous prizes

From a game no one desired to play.



I am so tired of it all

Yet I cannot sleep –

My eyes refuse to close against the darkness

And my thoughts refuse to quiet

As I search for that which I have lost

Or never had

And find myself wanting,

In so many ways

And by so many means,

Though I cannot hold onto that train

For more than a moment

As it vanishes into the night

And I crash in its wake

Upon the broken tracks of a life

I cannot control

Or fix

Or even walk.



I do not understand,

And the tears fall

Relentless reminders

Cascading upon the rocks

Like dreams I used to have,

Shattered before me

Into a thousand shards

That cut me and pain me

And torture me

Though no one sees

The blood that seeps

From every self-inflicted wound

And poisons the ground

Upon which I walk,

Nor do they hear my screams

Hurled into the void

And piercing my ears

Deafening me to all else

Except the pitiful whimpers

That accompany them.



I’m so tired of it all

But if I sleep

I may never wake

And that,

Somehow,

Might be worse.

No One Understands

09/08/2020 -  Poem a Day Compilation



No one understands what it is to be me,

To live inside my head,

With all the insecurities,

The anxiety, the depression, the guilt.



I wish I could escape myself

When it all becomes too much,

When it threatens to overwhelm me

And I have nothing left to give.

The Madness

18/07/2020 –  Poem a Day Compilation


As the walls closed in

And the darkness fell

The sounds of the night

Crept into her ears

Her hands clamping about her head

Holding in what sanity remained

Against the screeches and screams

From beyond the brick walls

Of this lonely and lonesome place

From which there was no escape,

No distraction and no respite

Despite the frenzy of prayers

In this godforsaken place

To a non-existent deity

For a freedom that will never come

When lunacy takes hold of those

Who stand outside the door

That they no longer understand

What is right and wrong

And buy into the hysteria

Of the latest fad treatments

With no thought of the consequences

Of testing procedures on the manic

Without their permission

Or even their knowledge

Hidden from scrutiny by demented laws

Serving a master as unsound of mind

As those incarcerated in psychiatric wards

For indeterminate periods of time

Under the auspices of mental health

A true derangement of a system

Meant to protect the world from the insane

And the depressed from themselves

While the unstable run the asylum 

Which makes the rest of us mad.

Street Signs

21/06/2020 – Iso Well-Being Compilation

 

You know you’re comfortable with the route

When you don’t even look at the signs,

You get to your destination on autopilot

Driven without conscious thought.

But what happens when you must deviate,

When the route must be altered from the norm?

How well does your brain adapt to change

And guide you on this different path

To, perhaps, the same destination

But, maybe, to somewhere completely new?

I cannot reconcile the information

That I must use to modify my actions

With the well-worn behaviours

That have served me well until this point.

My heart beats faster as I search

And my breathing becomes shallow;

I can feel my palms sweating on the wheel

Steering me towards a destination

Along a road I have never seen before

And which I may never leave

As I feel my muscles tense and freeze

With every passing moment

Until I see a familiar sign

(A known street name a gift)

And air fills my lungs once more.

Note: This is the last of my Iso Well-Being Compilation poems. I will, however, be continuing with my poem a day for as long as have subjects to whet my appetite. I hope you've enjoyed my offering so far, and will continue to read and enjoy my work.

Falling Asleep

27/04/2020 - Iso Well-Being Compilation



I sometimes have trouble falling asleep.

I stare at the ceiling in the dark.

A myriad of thoughts envelop me,

Causing neurons to fire,

Memories to burn through me,

Thoughts to cascade from my brain.



What if I’d said this, or not said that?

What if I’d take the holiday,

Or quite the job, or taken the deal?

Who would attend my funeral?

What flowers would they choose?

Would they even look at what I wanted?



Remember when you broke that promise,

And when you lied to your mum,

Or when you cheated on that test?

It doesn’t matter when it was –

Today, yesterday, last week …

Maybe twenty years ago.



All those new years resolutions you’ve broken,

The one where you’d lose weight,

Not care what other people thought,

Made more time for things you like doing?

All those things where you let life get in the way

And beat yourself up for later.



Remember when you were three,

Your friends mum chased you down the beach

Because she thought you’d thrown sand

At her precious daughter

Who could do no wrong, of course,

But had started the whole thing?



Did you lock the car when you came home?

You had work on your mind, distracted,

And you could have easily forgotten.

Not that it’s worth stealing.

But there’s that jacket you like

Draped on the back seat, just in case.



But what about when you were thirteen

And your dad took you skiing

But there were the guys he hung out with

Who thought you were older than you were,

And you didn’t like how they acted

Or spoke, or looked at you.



Oh, and there’s that meeting tomorrow

That you should have prepared for more

But now you can’t remember anything

About what you’re meant to be discussing

And there’s no way you’re not going to get fired

Because who’d want to employ you, anyway.



And



And


And why can I see stars that are so far away?