Denouement

I cannot think of red roses

Or boxes of chocolates right now;

There's no romantic dinners

Or strolls by the beach after dark.

It hurts too much to be hopeful

When it's unrealistic and unwise.

My heart will not take the rejection

Nor the knowing without having to ask.

I must sleep alone in this bed

As I have always done.

There can be no other option

And I cannot wish for more.

If I believed in God I would pray

But that seems a futile exercise

When the air cannot hear my pleas

Nor respond with anything by sighs.

I so desperately want to fill

The void in my soul right now,

But hopes and dreams melt away

Until I am cold and alone once more.

In my darkest hour

In my darkest hour

     You shone a light

     A beacon bright

     In the deep, dark night

You returned the smile to my voice

With barely a word from your lips,

You dried my tired, aching eyes

From across the breadth of the city,

You eased my mournful heartache

Simply by thinking of me,

You calmed my racing thoughts

And I cannot even tell you.

In my darkest hour

     You were always there

     A love beyond compare

     Showing that you care

You comforted me

Without need to play the fool,

You embraced me

From the other end of the phone,

You soothed me

Simply by speaking to me,

You reassured me

And I cannot return the favour.

In my darkest hour

     You healed me

     A gift from thee

     Expecting no fee

Inconceivable

Inconceivable

That I may aspire

To such lofty heights

In heart and mind

As those ill-fated lovers,

Romeo and Juliet.

Intolerable

That I should abandon

Any dream-filled notion

Of finding my prince,

Charming or otherwise,

From within these walls.

Inconsequential

That I should be left

Alone and wandering

Through fields of jealousy

For a prize not mine to win

No matter my desire.

What sight for sore eyes

What sight for sore eyes

Stands before me now;

What grand majesty

Before which I must bow?

Do I dare to look,

Captured by a glance;

Incomplete without you,

Your magnificent countenance?

The sound of my heart

Echoes in my ears;

Its beat ever raging,

Racing faster than my fears.

Your smile reassures me,

Your touch calms my nerves.

I am yours, only yours;

It is you my soul serves.

On nothing

If I told you how I feel about you
That would make me as bad as you.
Maybe even the fact I feel this way
Means I already am.

I don't hate you at all,
Though I'd have every right to do so,
After what you said to me
I should hate you through and through.

You had no right to put me down
Or to rub your happiness in my face.
I know you wanted to get a rise out of me
But I wouldn't give you the satisfaction.

How you treat people is a reflection of you,
It has nothing to do with me as a person.
If you want to compare me to swine
There's nothing I can do about that.

I don't know what brought on the attack,
Your poor attempt at an answer failed.
I don't care what you call me anymore
Because your words are meaningless.

You told me I was dirty - I laughed -
Clearly only in retrospect, I suspect
As I was good enough in your eyes
To share your bed when you were lonely.

You removed me from your life,
I didn't give a single damn,
But showed you your reflection
And I hope it bit you back.

I only ever offered you friendship,
I never judged you for past indiscretions.
I never hurt your feelings or your body
Or asked anything of you in return.

You thought you were hurting me
Or being so incredibly tough
but a real man has no need
To play such childish games.

The phase you were going through
When you called me such vile things
Is hopefully long since put to rest
And you are better than that now.

I hope the girl I was so harshly compared to
Get the best you have to offer
Because I have see a side of you
That I'm sure is not the worst.

This is the consequence of your action -
Not loud, vexatious words -
A calm civility and politeness
That anyone might hope to receive.

The nearly thirty years I'd known you,
Since you were a babe in arms,
Are a memory of a person long gone
And I mourn the loss of that soul.

But you are not that person -
That person is dead and buried,
Though no grave exists,
Nor tombstone to mark a life thrown away.

You, so callous and unfeeling,
Cannot hope to endear yourself to me
Nor claim any of the affection
That I had for that boy now gone.

I loved that boy as family
And you used his name in vain
So there is no more love to give,
The well has now run dry.

How I feel about you today -
After all you said and did -
Is a fraction of the emptiness
That fills the void between us.

It is something less than nothing -
Exactly what you thought of me.
You might have sought to bring me down
But your infantile insults fell far too short.

I say, "Good day to you, good sir."
Bow my head politely in your direction,
But the words are hollow vessels,
And I bid you (fond) adieu.

Foray into the Unknown

Should I take that first step,
Tentative and more than unsure,
Into a new arena
Where I enter blind?

I cannot fathom what might be,
What may be behind the door,
And I tremble
With anticipation.

I do not dare imagine a time
Where this is cast to the annals of history
And we are one,
Not living a lie.

Would it live up to all expectations,
When it's all I have dreamed of lately,
Or will it fail
Like every other?

It would break my heart in two,
Possible shatter in a million pieces,
If I opened the door
And you weren't there.

This venture could be my undoing,
The last resort of a desperate woman,
But I want it,
And always desired it.

A Letter to a Lover Never Known

If I could but send this letter
So much happier I might be
Knowing that you sought to receive it
And thought warmly of me.

My hand trembles at the notion
Of you laying eyes upon these words
I that I have crafted so carefully
As a sculptor carving feathers on wooden birds.

I drift through my imagination,
Stopping but here and there;
A tourist in my own mind sometimes,
Going beyond that which I thought I would dare.

But as I write these scant lines to you
My heart skips more than an occasional beat.
It races, it jumps, it stops in my throat
And plummets as if through my feet.

As I pen these words I long to say
My stomach turns itself in knots.
I grow giddy with anticipation
And before my eyes I see spots.

The ink seeps lovingly into the page,
A little rushed but none too soon.
Too long I have waited to tell you
And, the thought, how it makes me swoon.

So won't you forgive me this letter I write
For it comes completely from the heart.
I mean to cause no tension
Nor to prise any relationship apart.

I do not wish to be selfish or greedy
Or demand what isn't rightfully mine.
My intention is not to make you feel guilty
And I apologise if I have crossed a line.

But I cannot bear the thought
Of living always chasing a dream,
For no man can live up to the thought of you -
Your qualities are a recurring theme.

I must find a man who is funny,
Who's wit is beyond compare -
He must have me rolling in the aisles
And smiling in the depths of despair.

He needs to be handsome, but naturally so,
With a twinkle in the corner of his eye,
but without a notion of the superficial
And doesn't ogle every woman who goes by.

There must be some intelligence to him,
I couldn't bear an oaf, a lout or a clod.
A love of literature, music and fine arts
But not a snob or beastly sod.

A touch of romance wouldn't go astray
As long as it is genuinely bestowed -
A gift from the heart that is true
And not given in order to be owed.

If he could whip up a dish in the kitchen
Of a morning or later at night
I would lose my heart in an instant -
Faster than love at first sight.

He should be in control of his emotions
But not keep them bottled inside -
A man who stands for what he believes in
But won't be swallowed by his pride.

Lastly, he should be available,
Not already somehow attached,
Because I cannot suffer the struggle
To fight for a perfect match.

To these years, more than a decade,
I have given of myself every day
Without thought of reciprocation
Except in daydreams along the way.

I have never expected, asked or demanded
A return on my investment in you;
Even now I cannot fathom that you would
And it does not make me feel blue.

I have known all along, my sweet,
That what we have is all in my mind.
I oft thought that it would dissipate
And be all but left behind.

It never has been, though.
It stays and lurks and grows.
I hide from it and deny it
And fear the whole world knows.

So please release me from this torture
That I enjoy so much.
I am spoiled for all future loves
Without ever having felt your touch.

All Too Sensible

Listen to the strings of my heart,
A quiet melody is being played -
So soft and soothing, so pure -
But it is the only thing I hear.

Your voice may break through
Into the melody to become one.
Your words would sound just as sweet
Even if they were so harsh.

Look closely, deeply, into my eyes;
Don't be surprised by what you see.
There is a light behind them
That shines through for you.

Your eyes burn into me -
They tell of a hidden passion
Deeper than either of us knows
And it spreads to reality like fire.

Feel my touch on your bare skin,
Delicately my fingers pass over you,
But even this small contact
Has a power that is uncontrollable.

Your hands are refused their release
By a society that you created.
You are locked up, behind a wall,
And you can't reach out to another.

Sensations overwhelm us if we let them
But fear will never let us be happy
And, if we are afraid of feeling for one,
We won't feel for anyone at all.

My Light

I never thought I could say the words
But as you're walking out the door tonight,
Your hair slicked back the way it always is,
I realise that you're walking out with my light.

We started out in a heaven we called home,
I was your angel and you were mine.
Our eyes sparkled when we caught glimpses
And we couldn't get enough of each other.

When we fought it was like cats and dogs,
Now it's degenerated into uncomfortable silences.
There's a pain in my chest because of you
And it's the only reminder of what we had.

I never thought I could say the words
But as you're walking out the door tonight,
Your coat of your shoulder the way it always is,
I realise that you're walking out with my light.

But now, my angel, you have spread your wings;
You want to fly away to another Garden of Eden.
You think the grass is greener on the other side,
Now that you've left the grass here is withered.

You were like a spring feeding the rivers of my life
But, when you shut that door, the last drop will go.
You've left me high and dry and no tears will ever fall
Because I can't feel if you've taken my heart.

I never thought I could say the words
But as you're walking out the door tonight,
Your shirt untucked the way it always is,
I realise that you're walking out with my light.

And now, with your bag packed and ready to go,
I know if I wait too long it will be too late.
When we started we never thought it would end like this.
There's only one thing I can do right now.

I put my hand on your shoulder one last time.
Your faded eyes light up one last time
But I'm choking on the words you want
And some things just weren't meant to be.

I never thought I could say the words
But as you're walking out the door tonight,
You're waiting for me to say the words,
I realise that you're walking out with my light.

Sweet Child of Mine

I held you in my arms, sweet child,
When you were just a babe.
Your eyes, they danced like fairy lights
And caused my heart to flutter.

You could never know, sweet child,
What the world held for you.
I made a promise then and there
That nothing would ever hurt you.

Some things just aren't meant, sweet child,
To turn out for the best.
I couldn't keep my promise to you,
I was the one who hurt you.

I gave you everything, sweet child,
That money could ever buy
But, right at this moment in time,
Money won't help mend a broken heart.

You should know by now, sweet child,
That I always loved you.
All I ask is that you love me
And forgive me now, when I ask.

I won't be there, sweet child,
To hear it when you say the words
I've hoped and prayed you will
Because I can't ever ask again.

You don't know, sweet child,
how much I wanted to stay.
It tore me up inside, night and day,
To see the pain I was causing.

Some day you will see, sweet child,
The truth of this situation.
I know you blame me for leaving you
But forgive me in my absence.

I always loved you, sweet child,
Whatever you might think now.
Don't let anyone tell you differently
Because it simply isn't true.

If it could be different, sweet child,
I would change it in a heartbeat.
I would give anything to hear your voice.
There's nothing I wouldn't do.

Tend to my memory, sweet child,
Don't let it fade away
For a person can live forever
If only in the hearts of others.

Now that I am gone, sweet child,
I can't protect you anymore.
Everyone dies and it's not my fault
But forgive me, sweet child of mine.

Demons

Monsters are alive and well,
Though mostly in my head.
Sometimes they escape outside
And creep around my bed.

There are big ones, and ugly,
That scare me out o' my wits.
They have big jaws and sharp teeth
To tear me all to bits.

Some are small and pestering
With eyes as red as fire.
They chase me through my nightmares
As if they never tire.

They live in the dark and cold
Where the sun never shines,
Sleep amongst the shadows deep,
Eat where the devil dines.

Never there was such foul beasts
That went searching for my soul.
These things of pure evil
With fur as black as coal.

Then I saw a splendid light,
I could not speak a word.
It shone from within my heart
And I flew just like a bird.

Over mountains, over seas,
Like an angel with her wings.
I was free from harm and threat,
Free from warlocks, elfins, kings.

There was not a care to find,
I could do most anything.
Swim in the deepest ocean,
Talk to the birds who sing.

Soon I came back down to earth
And found myself in bed.
For I had been asleep again,
That's is all that's to be said.

We are the Dying

Look at the world, what's happening, what's happening.
Look at the people and places and things.
These are the things which surround us, engulf us.
We are the dying, help us survive.

Time is continually escaping, escaping.
Forever in the past and present and future.
Treat us with pride and treat us with care.
We are the dying, help us survive.

We live in the forests, the forests, the forests.
We live in the forests and oceans and plains.
We are the rare, endangered and sought after.
We are the dying, help us survive.

On Something Not Yet Happened …

People will talk in hushed tones
Saying how dreadful it is
That we two should find happiness
In each others arms.

What they won’t understand

Is the pain and anguish in my heart
At the thought of losing you
And that is what’s wrong.

They don’t see the hundreds of others

Who have rejected me over the years
And the utter joy I now experience
When I look into your eyes.

There will be one or two who will ask outright

If we are sure about what we are doing,
More from personal experience of such situations
Than any desire to come between us.

If I could have one wish for the two of us

It would be for us to be happy together
And for the world to leave us in peace
From now until eternity.

Beware

Beware of those eyes that draw me in
Rejoice in that smile which lures me in
Employ every ounce of willpower to resist you

Never allow the faintest of touches
Deny every emotional response that emerges
Accept the inevitable knowledge of rejection

Neglect to mention the burning desire
Impart no indication of something lurking below
Somehow behave as if nothing has changed

Believe that if it’s meant to be it will be
Engage that self control which has kept me safe
Absorb the warmth of our friendship

Understand why the constraints exist

Tell myself there’s nothing there
Identify the method to keep me sane

Forget the twinkle in your eye
Upset the rhythm of the attraction
Love the person, hate the game

Unable to Express

I cannot seem to find
The words that I need
When I want to use them –
When you’re around.

I want to say you’re beautiful –

A transcendent light radiates
From your very soul
And shines through your eyes.

I want to say you’re wonderful –

A deity in human form

Sent to enrich my life
And steal my heart.

I want to say you’re humourous –

A wit of unknown proportions
Keeping me amused at every turn
And filling me with joy.

One day I will find my voice,

I just hope it’s not too late
And you haven’t disappeared
Like so many before.