The Affair That Never Was, Or Might Have Been

23/05/2020 – Iso Well-Being Compilation

 

I don’t know when it started.

The casual flirting on both sides,

Feeling perfectly natural and quite alright,

But looking back, sin hides.

 

              Do you remember me sitting there

              With your wife just beside us,

              Your hand on my bare thigh

              But no one made a fuss.

 

There were clearly signs we missed,

Or maybe chose to ignore.

And once we stepped over each line

We couldn’t return to the one before.

 

              We’d dance together, laugh together,

              Forget the rest of the world.

              We’d wine together, dine together,

              Our friendship fully unfurled.

 

The moment came, I remember well,

As we stood together that day,

Away from everybody else

Without a word to say.

 

              We understood each other

              (ourselves not so much),

              We both knew on some level

              This wouldn’t stop with a touch.

 

We faced out to the ocean,

You wrapped your arms around me.

This was nothing new, you know,

It was a natural way to be.

 

              I wanted to melt into you,

              Dreams and reality to be one,

              Our love blinding us forever,

              Burning brighter than the sun.

 

I felt you pressed against my back

And closed my eyes to the view.

I wanted to hold onto the moment

And be forever with you.

 

              I knew what I wanted from you

              But I was afraid of asking –

              Maybe you didn’t feel it

              Or were you too good at masking?

 

You dropped your head and kissed mine,

Light and delicately placed

And even now I’m taken back

To when you made my heart race.

 

              I turned to face you then

              And we shared a knowing look

              My heart crying out for you

              And my heart an open book.

 

But no matter what my heart wanted

My mind had to draw the line

And not allow us to step over

No matter how I may pine.

 

              I sunk my face into your chest,

              My cheek against your shirt;

              I felt safe and warm and loved

Far beyond a simple flirt.

 

I’ve dreamt of what might have been,

Our lips have met in my sleep,

But in real life I pulled away

And this secret I would keep.

 

              You tucked your hand under my chin

              To look into my eyes,

              I caught my breath in anticipation

              And your mouth told no lies.

 

But what if I hadn’t?

What might have been?

Where might we be now?

How would we be seen?

 

              Our worlds collided then,

              There was no turning back –

              Changing the course of history;

              Walking down a different track

 

We’ve stayed friends through this

But it’s not the same as it was before

Never knowing that connection

And always wanting more.

 

              The secret we kept weighed heavily,

              Moments stolen when we could,

              Not wanting to let you go

              Even though it was for the greater good.

 

I could have asked you to choose

But I knew what you’d say.

I’d rather let you go

Than have you throw me away.

 

              I’d always want more

              Than you could ever give,

              And you’d return home to her

              Yet, somehow, I’d forgive.

 

It’s been more than a decade

And I still long for your touch.

Fleeting hugs drag me in,

But feelings cost too much.

 

              But I could never forgive myself

              For wanting what wasn’t mine.

              I begged for you to stay with me,

              Or for some kind of sign.

 

My heart breaks when I see you

And I know this never ends

But I can’t give you up

My torment is that we’re friends.

 

              Together, we’d light fireworks

              Alone, the dark crept in.

              I could not keep our secret,

              I wished for it not to begin.

 

Even in my dreams

You’re not the one for me

And I pray that you’ll release me,

Please, set me free.

In battle

Here I sit in quiet contemplation

Regretting all I didn’t say to you

Knowing I couldn’t say it, still

Wanting to be more brave,

Or perhaps more stupid, than before

Because I’ve wanted to tell you

So many times up til this point.

Maybe you know but can’t say

For the same reasons that I can’t

And all that’s keeping us from each other

Is a thirty year old pledge

As worthless as the paper it’s written on.

I didn’t have the courage fifteen years ago,

When we sat together for what felt like forever,

And you confessed to me that it was simply

A vow you had made and couldn’t break.

I was afraid of what you were telling me

And relieved that you didn’t ask it of me

But now my feelings are conflicted

And I don’t know if I want to give in

Or be stronger than I ever thought possible.

I wish I could have relied on Dutch courage,

And been open and honest with you,

Because I’d carry any baggage you had,

I’d take the weight of the world on my shoulders

And receive the guilt that was laid at my door.

On Something Not Yet Happened …

People will talk in hushed tones
Saying how dreadful it is
That we two should find happiness
In each others arms.

What they won’t understand

Is the pain and anguish in my heart
At the thought of losing you
And that is what’s wrong.

They don’t see the hundreds of others

Who have rejected me over the years
And the utter joy I now experience
When I look into your eyes.

There will be one or two who will ask outright

If we are sure about what we are doing,
More from personal experience of such situations
Than any desire to come between us.

If I could have one wish for the two of us

It would be for us to be happy together
And for the world to leave us in peace
From now until eternity.

Roy, in eight parts

I

 

One dark and stormy night

I chanced upon your face;

It lighted the way for me

When I was all but blind.

 

What I did not realise then,

And could not fathom afterwards,

Was why you would deceive me

And the one you should be with.

 

I longed for what you had

But could never give to me.

You offered me an illusion

Which would never materialise.

 

II

 

You dismissed the ultimatum,

As I had known you would,

But you would not dismiss me

From an ever-breaking heart.

 

I'm sure you haven't realised

How my heart was ripped,

Still beating before me eyes,

From in my shredded chest.

 

Your lies should have protected me

(Warned me, in the very least)

But I could not help but fall

And was so very injured.

 

III

 

Had you left in then and there

I may have found it in my soul

To offer you some forgiveness

But you could not let me be.

 

Each time I thought myself free

From you tenticulous grip

you sucked me in again

And once more I was afraid.

 

Why did I let you control me?

Allow you back into my world?

Did I think you would change?

Or was that all I was worth?

 

I was not worth your deception.

You were not worth my time,

But no matter how many times,

You kept knocking on my door.

 

IV

 

I hope you can see the locks

That now adorn the door;

And how do you fancy the bars

That now mar every window?

 

Do they fill you with satisfaction?

Are they pleasing to your eyes?

Because they work very well

To keep all from venturing inside.

 

They protect me from the ones

Who would seek to hold my heart,

No matter their intentions

Because it seems you're all the same.

 

V

 

The men I created for you,

To keep your advances at bay,

Were more perfect than any man

Could ever hope to be.

 

There's nothing you could say to me

To make me change my mind.

Even your name reminds me

Of every scar you left behind.

 

My trust has been annihilated

And belief beyond resurrection;

No hope remains to guide me

And no man could measure up.

 

You have destroyed my ambition

To have more than what is now;

The family I might have envisioned

Is a pipe dream lost to time.

 

It will take a prince in shining armour

To defeat my inner demons,

Remnants of my captivity

In a cell created by you.

 

VI

 

If this is my lot in life

I can be happy with that

Because I will always have one thing

That you will never own.

 

So next time you look in the mirror

And wonder what went wrong,

Remember that it was all you -

Your actions and your choice.

 

You chose the path of deception,

Of dubious morals and character,

Of integrity less than desirable,

And you chose the wrong girl.

 

VII

 

I may have spent many years

Debating, over again, with myself

As to whether I was worth more

Than what you were prepared to give.

 

I may have doubted myself

More times than I care to remember

But now all doubt is gone,

Especially when it comes to you.

 

I don't doubt your intentions,

They will never change.

You will never want anything more

Than ships passing casually in the night.

 

I don't doubt my ability

To resist your wit and charm

Because it is as shallow

As your children's paddling pool.

 

I don't doubt the outcome

Should you approach me one more time;

not only would you be rejected

But your world would tumble down.

 

VIII

 

You may not think I know,

But I have many resources at my command

And have gained enough to ruin you

From the scraps you discarded here.

 

A name and an industry sufficed

To glean all I could want to know -

You business is now my business

And don't think I won't use it.

 

So let this be the very last

Communication I ever have with you

For the sake of your reputation,

Your marriage and your world.