Oh, my god, mum
You’re so embarrassing.
How are we even related?
Can you just … not?
All I did was turn up.
You’d think the world ended
Because you happen to be seen
In public, with your mother!
What are you wearing?
You look like a grandma.
Why can’t you wear something
A little more fashionable?
Of course, you know, don’t you,
That if I turned up in anything
That was even remotely fashionable
You’d think I was trying too hard.
Do you have to talk so loudly?
Everyone can hear you
And then they look!
I don’t want them thinking it’s me.
I don’t know if you've noticed
But when you get with your girlfriends
You could fly a jet overhead
And no one would be able to hear it.
I don’t want a hug and a kiss,
I’m not a little kid anymore.
No one else’s parents do that
It’s just weird and awkward.
You’re such a long time an adult
And you’ll have to forgive me
But I wish you weren’t in such a rush
To grow up and enjoyed childhood.
Don’t talk to my friends.
They don’t care what music you’re into
Or whether you watched a movie
Or where you went last weekend.
I have amazing taste in music
You’d be very surprised
By what your friends listen to,
Especially Janie, she likes metal.
Why can’t you look like Johnny’s mum?
She looks amazing.
I bet she doesn’t eat ice cream and chocolate
All the time like you do.
No, she probably doesn’t
But I don’t drink like a fish
Like she does, either,
And I rather be overweight, to be fair.
You’re too old to be dating.
Jessica’s mum is on her own
And she doesn’t run around
Like she’s trying to be a teenager.
Jessica’s mum has just gotten a divorce
From an abusive husband
Whereas I have been on my own
Most of your very short life.
You never let me do anything fun,
Like that concert I went to
And you made me come straight home
When everyone else was going out after.
Friday night in the middle of the city
Is no place for a fourteen year old
And I will always do what is needed
To keep you as safe as I can.
Why don’t you listen to me?
You’re so embarrassing
I just want you to be normal
Like everyone else’s mum.
If I told you half the things, my sweet,
About the other mums you know
You would be horrified
But we’re all just doing the best we can.
Whereas I have been on my own
Most of your very short life.
You never let me do anything fun,
Like that concert I went to
And you made me come straight home
When everyone else was going out after.
Friday night in the middle of the city
Is no place for a fourteen year old
And I will always do what is needed
To keep you as safe as I can.
Why don’t you listen to me?
You’re so embarrassing
I just want you to be normal
Like everyone else’s mum.
If I told you half the things, my sweet,
About the other mums you know
You would be horrified
But we’re all just doing the best we can.
