Beyond Work

03/06/2020 – Iso Well-Being Compilation

 

Work used to be a refuge,

A safe place to hide away

But now I’m filled with anxiety

Because I know you’ll be there.

 

It started innocently enough

With a laugh over coffee or lunch

I never thought of it being more

And never that I’d fear seeing you.

 

I thought I felt you staring

But I told myself I was mistaken.

You were so nice and so helpful

And I was just starting out.

 

Occasionally we’d bump into each other

And we passed in the busy hall.

It didn’t seem unusual,

Except it seemed to happen a lot.

 

I knew it was a bit of a boys club

And the jokes were a bit off colour

But you made the jokes just to me

Not in a crowd like the other blokes.

 

As we talked about upcoming projects

You’d casually put your hand on my arm.

It made me feel uncomfortable

And I’d step back out of your reach.

 

You asked me out for drinks

On an almost weekly basis.

It didn’t matter if I said no,

You ask again, as if for the first time.

 

We went to a meeting with the bosses

And I thought I’d be safe from you there

But you insisted on hugging me afterwards

As congratulations for getting the job done.

 

You’d ask me about my boyfriends,

What they were like and why we broke up,

How much sex we had when together

And whether they had any particular kinks.

 

I found it incredibly creepy

When you’d talk about my body and shape,

Especially with the other men in the office

Who laughed, uncomfortably, along.

 

The more times I rejected you

The more sexual your taunts became

Your tawdry jokes took a sinister bent

And your tone was more or less insulting.

 

The intrusion didn’t stay confined

To the office or workshop out the back,

You started sending me emails

And pictures that’d make a nun blush.

 

One night the team went out for drinks

And I stayed away from you as much as I could

But you cornered me at the bar

And planted a kiss on my neck.

 

I threw my drink over you,

Accidently on purpose, you know.

I could see the anger in your eyes

And I made my excuses to leave.

 

I requested a transfer in the office

To a department far away from you

And they seemed to know why I was asking

Without me having to say a word.

 

But sometimes I couldn’t avoid you,

And you seemed to think it was my fault

That you’d be brought in for a chat

About behaving appropriately at work.

 

You demanded to know why I wouldn’t

Engage with you in private,

Suggesting you’d be the best lover

That I’d ever know in my life.

 

You described in explicit detail

What you wanted to do to me, then.

Holding me to the wall with your body

So I’d have to hear every filthy word.

 

I could hold my tongue no longer,

I had not wanted to make any trouble

But you left me no choice in the end

And I spoke out to any and all.

 

I didn’t see you clearing out your desk.

I didn’t want to be there when you left.

I felt guilty for what you made me do

Even though it was never my fault.

 

But if I thought I could breathe easy

I was very much sadly mistaken.

I saw you that same day on my bus

Despite you living in the opposite direction.

 

I knew you knew where I lived

So there was no point trying to hide

But I had to get inside quickly

And lock all the windows and deadbolt the door.

 

Sometimes I could feel your presence

Even when I couldn’t see your face,

When I did my shopping on weekends

Or went out for dinner with my friends.

 

I blocked each new email you created

And reported your social media profiles

Every time you sent me a dick pic

Or a link to some kind of porn.

 

I told my friends about you.

I told all your former colleagues at work.

Some thought I was exaggerating.

Others knew from where I was coming.

 

When I found you in my driveway

I wanted to run away,

But you didn’t give me a chance,

Circling around behind me.

 

I told you to leave

As I rummaged for my keys,

If I couldn’t get them in the door

I’d stick them in your eyes instead.

 

You grabbed my bag and threw it,

Your hand swiftly covering my mouth.

You didn’t expect me to bite you

And I made my escape next door.

 

The lovely couple who lived there

Called the police so I could breathe

But you were long gone before they arrived

Though they said they’d have a chat.

 

You weren’t best pleased with that

And decided to take your revenge.

You were far beyond sexual attraction now,

You were in a one-sided power struggle.

 

I didn’t see it coming

Though I probably should have known.

It’s a well-worn path, apparently,

But I was young and very naïve.

 

You broke into my house one day

While I was hard at work.

You hadn’t bothered getting another job,

Your fixation firmly on me.

 

I don’t know when you’d copied my key

But this had been a long while in the planning.

You hid all day in the garage,

Waiting for my return after work.

 

You heard me cooking dinner.

You listened as I showered before bed.

You watched as dropped my towel

About to slip into my nightie.

 

I didn’t get that chance, though,

As you rushed into my bedroom that night.

You pushed me face down into the bed,

Your hand pressed firmly on my neck.

 

My body frozen in fear,

Fight or flight not registering then,

I felt every inch of your body

Sweaty but disgustingly cold.

 

I remember every second,

Every noise, every smell.

I feel every touch, every violation

Every time someone else gets close.

 

I cried for a week afterwards,

I cried when I saw your old desk.

I cried when the police took my statement

And when I had to tell my parents.

 

I cried through the medical exam

And I cried in the taxi home.

I cried when I looked in the mirror

And saw the bruises that you left.

 

I cried when they arrested you,

I cried when I heard you’d been charged.

I cried in the prosecutor’s office

And I cried on the stand.

 

Your lawyer said I asked for it,

Laid the blame squarely at my feet,

Insinuated that the clothes I wore

Excused the actions that you took.

 

The jury saw through your act,

I know I’m lucky in that regard.

It could so easily have gone the other way

And I’d blame myself more than I do now.

 

I still have those thoughts, you know,

That if only I’d done something different,

That if I’d been nicer to you,

That we might have had a different conclusion.

 

But, really, this wasn’t on me

And I hate that I blame myself sometimes

For actions I did nothing to encourage

And actively tried to end.

 

You were the one who did this.

You were the one who took it too far.

You were the one who abused me.

You were the one who broke the law.

 

You thought that you were entitled,

To my body, my space and my time.

And you didn’t just attack me physically,

The scars run far deeper than that.

 

How will anyone want me

When they know what has happened to me?

How will they find me desirable

When I can’t even look in the mirror?

 

You’ve broken something inside me

And I don’t know that it will ever be fixed.

You stole what was only mine to give

And now I am empty inside.