The Last Image

08/04/2021 – Poem a Day Compilation



If I’d known this would be

The last image I’d take of you,

Would I have made the effort

To take another picture?



It’s quite a nice picture:

You’re sitting on a bench

Hair flowing in the breeze

Half a smile on your face



You never really liked it:

The lighting wasn’t flattering

And you didn’t fancy that top

With that particular shirt



Now it’s all I have:

A moment in time

Frozen forever but

Captured in the blink of an eye



So, I don’t think I would

Take another picture of you

Because that’s the real you

And the one I keep in my heart

Always Five

05/04/2021 – Poem a Day Compilation



When you were little

I wished you’d never age

You’d stay my precious little princess

Forever and a day

But I never meant for it to happen

Especially not like this



The last time I saw you

Your smile flashed across the park

Your pigtails swishing as you ran

My mind occupied with other things

And you climbed the hill

Ready to slip down the slide



It took me a few minutes

To realise you hadn’t come down

I looked around for you

All to no avail

And the search became more frantic

As the minutes themselves slid by



My heart was beating through my chest

Hands shaking uncontrollably

Air struggling to fill my lungs

As I screamed your name

And fellow parents joined the search

But coming up empty



The police were called

They arrived sirens blaring

To take over the haphazard search

And co-ordinate the organisation

Of checkpoints and interviews

As I broke into a million pieces



As every hour passed, I cried

Tears staining my face

Salt stinging my eyes

The heartache and fear within me

Tearing me apart

From the inside out



Divers scoured the bay

From the mangroves at the shore

To the depths of the ferry channel

Extending the search

Yet still finding no sign of you

Or any clue of where you’d gone



Your face was plastered across the TV

Every network running the story

Of a little girl lost,

Missing, taken

Somewhere out in the world

Away from her grieving mother



My life was turned upside down

As hours turned into days

And days turned into weeks

And still no sign of you

As if you’d disappeared into thin air

Like the angel that you are

 

Strangers blamed me

Their anonymous notes

Shoved viciously into the letterbox

Asking me how I could hurt you

And that I should burn in hell

For something I could never do



The posters with your picture

Stay on every telegraph pole

Replaced within a day

Should they fall or be blown away

Or torn down by unfeeling monsters

Who will never understand



Somewhere you are out there

And I hope you remember me

But as the years drag by

I feel I might be just a dream you have

That haunts you as you sleep

And you don’t know why



I try to imagine what you look like

As the birthdays come and go

And now that you’d be an adult

The fear that I wouldn’t know you

If I passed you in the street

Fills my heart with dread



What music are you into?

Do you still love to read?

There are so many things I want to know

But will never get the chance

Because someone stole you from me

And I fear I’ll never get you back



So, while you’re turning twenty today

I can’t see you that way

My precious little princess

All grown without me there

A life lived that I’ll never know

Because to me you’re always five.

Memory

03/03/2021 - Poem a Day Compilation



I’m starting to forget your voice

Sometimes I hear it in my head

And it doesn’t sound real

Just my memory of how you sound



There’s something in a voice

That holds the character of a person,

A whisper of their soul

That can’t be found anywhere else



The inflections that reflect their smile

The pauses and the rushes of words

That sing as they speak

And warm the heart of everyone who hears



When I remember your voice

It’s not quite you

But it’s all I have left

Because you’re not here anymore

I believed in you

01/03/2021 – Poem a Day Compilation



I believed in you

When you were broken

And led you to the light



I cradled you

And comforted you

When you cried out in the night



I gave you more

Than I thought I had

So that you may be whole



I nurtured you

When you were down

And fed your aching soul



Now you are

A brand-new man

Confident from head to toe



And I am left here

Torn in two

Watching you as you go

Her Fabrics

27/02/2021 – Poem a Day Compilation



My aunt was a sewer

Always fabric strewn about the place

All manner of threads and weaves

From thick denim to delicate lace



She made teddy bears for charity

For children to cuddle tight

When away from family in hospital

And facing their toughest fight



She made jackets for women

Who lived in shelters near and far

When they’d left home without anything

To escape violence under the radar



She made costumes for schools

To clothe their performing arts

From drama ensembles to dancing troupes

Her skill was off the charts



She made blankets for all the babies

Born into our growing family

Not a one was ever forgotten

From Jonathon to Amelie



I wish I were a better sewer

But I never took the time

More interested in sports and games

Or which tree I should climb



But sitting there in her sewing room

Surrounded by fabrics of every hue

I had the urge to pay a homage

And I knew what I must do



Carefully I measured out a square

From every piece than I could find

Some big and some much smaller

But all chosen with a heart that’s kind



I lay them out upon the floor

Arranging them as best I could

Before pinning them together

A task I never imagined I would



I looked up on the internet

How to thread the sewing machine

And after a false start or ten

I felt like the sewing queen



The squares come together

A mammoth task I’d undertaken

But I would not be dissuaded

My plan wouldn’t be forsaken



Finally, I had a quilted blanket

Bigger than my arms would stretch

With seams a little crooked

And no mean price would it fetch



But I would never sell it

It was my reminder of her brilliance

A thousand little pieces

That tested my resilience



Every colour is a piece of her

Every thread a memory I hold dear

Never will she be far from me

With her fabrics always near

In the future

19/02/2021 –  Poem a Day Compilation



For Joshua Garrett and his mother, Katt



In the future I will be brave

But right now, I want to scream 

I long to hold you in my arms

And hear your plaintiff cries



In the future I will remember you

When others just want to forget

Because thinking of you is hard

But forgetting would be worse



In the future I want to hear your name

Said with all the love in the world

Because you were here and I love you

Though you were barely two months old



In the future I want to reminisce

About the time we had with you

But people won’t even mention you

For fear of how they’ll feel



In the future I will still grieve

But I want there to be happy tears

When I think of that precious time we had

And not how you’re no longer here



In the future I want to celebrate you

And what you meant to me

Not hide your memory away inside

Like a secret of which to be ashamed



In the future I will say your name

For everyone to hear

For you are a part of me

To which I will never say goodbye

Lately

12/02/2021 - Poem a Day Compilation



Lately, I’ve thought of you and didn’t cry

The idea of you didn’t even make me sigh

I realised I would never know the reasons why

And it was time to finally say goodbye



Lately, the sense of loss has escaped me

The pain of rejection has let me be

I’ve opened up my eye and can now see

The memory of you has set me free



Lately, I have been able to move on

No longer needing a crutch to lean upon

Spreading wings more powerful than a swan

The weight of regret now completely gone

The Dialogue

01/02/2021 – Poem a Day Compilation



Can you hear me?

        Yes, I can hear you.

I feel so alone.

        What would you like me to do?

Sit with me.

        But you won’t be able to see me.

That’s ok, I know you’re there.

         What do you want to talk about?

How much I miss you.

        I’m always here with you.

It’s not the same, though.

        I’m sorry you’re sad.

It’s not your fault.

        But I left you.

You were taken from me.

        I didn’t fight hard enough.

You fought as hard as anyone.

        I didn’t want to go.

You’re still here.



In my mind.

Two People

31/01/2021 – Poem a Day Compilation



I saw two people dancing

Upon a wooden bridge

As in love today

As the day they met



No music played

But they kept in time

And danced a joyful waltz

To the sound of water running



Again, I saw them dancing

Upon the wooden bridge

Smiling and laughing

Like giddy teenagers do



But these were no teenagers

Their spritely years long gone

And though they looked their age

Their hearts beat like they were young



Every week I would see them,

They love so simple and pure

And it would remind me

Of all that was good in the world



Then one rainy afternoon

I saw him dancing on his own

Still in perfect time

And still with so much love



My heart broke as I watched

For a man I didn’t know

And never had I so wanted

To be able to extend my hand



Not to offer a handshake

Or to pull him in for a warm embrace

But to join him in his lover’s waltz

If only for one day

Missing You

08/01/2021 – Poem a Day



Alone

Broken inside

Crying

Dying without you

Engulfed

Forever searching

Grieving

Holding on to the memory

I

Just can’t

Knotted

Lost in the world

Mourning

Never letting go

Outcries

Pouring from my soul

Questioning

Reasons I don’t understand

Sobbing

Tired beyond belief

Unable

Vulnerable as I am

Weeping

Xenacious

Yet I remain a

Zombie

New Year’s Eve

31/12/2020 – Poem a Day Compilation



You weren’t there in January 

My birthday, you did miss

You weren’t there in February

To plant a Valentine’s kiss



You weren’t there in March

To celebrate St Patrick’s Day

You weren’t there in April

When Easter came my way



You weren’t there in May

Seeing out the autumn leaves

You weren’t there in June

To wrap me in winter weaves



You weren’t there in July

When the year was half way done

You weren’t there in August

To feel your cheeks burn as you run



You weren’t there in September

To see whose team had won

You weren’t there in October

Partaking in Halloween fun



You weren’t there in November

To weep solemn tears

You weren’t there in December

Celebrating Christmas with our peers



Now you’re not here yet again

As the old year gives way to the new

But nothing ever changes

And it’ll be another year without you

Sonnet Redoublé

17/12/2020 – Poem a Day Compilation



I

I used to know him well

As only a child can

Watching sports on TV

Though I wasn’t always a fan

His hair slicked back

The way they did

In 1950s American movies

That fascinated me as a kid

He wasn’t high in fashion

But had a certain style

A roguish handsomeness

Hiding behind an award-winning smile

There’s so much I want to learn about

That man laid out before me



II

That man laid out before me

Taught me what he knew

About life and love and all else

Before I found my own crew

He’d take me out in the garden

To dig out all the weeds

Teaching me just what to plant

And how much each one feeds

Which flowers kept away mozzies

And which attracted the bees

Where to put compost heap

And how not to hurt your knees

It was a drop in the ocean

Now I realise how little



III

Now I realise how little

And a tear falls down my cheek

There’s no one to ask the questions

For the answers I do seek

No one thought to be inquisitive

When he was still alive

We could have made a library

Or a least a substantial archive

But no one thought ahead

Too caught up in their own world

Not allowing ourselves to listen

To let his story be unfurled

Now we pay the price for this

I should have asked those questions



IV

I should have asked those questions

And not it is too late

That croaky voice can’t tell me

My curiosity will not be sate

All I have are memories

Of a creaky rocking chair

And a man who didn’t suffer fools

Shooting out a beady stare

The grandkids who annoyed him

Were treated with disdain

Giving him a wide berth

Even wider when he had his cane

And for that grizzly attitude

The answers will never come



V

The answers will never come

For fear of knowing what to ask

That wouldn’t get a gruff response

But the act was just a mask

Underneath there was a man of honour

Who lived with the horror of his time

A man who fought for queen and country

In amongst the blood and grime

He would not let his experiences

Cloud the future of his family

Yet it built a barrier between them

They saw him as scary, not manly

And the stories became fragmented

I can piece together some



VI

I can piece together some

But how do you sew together a life

To which no one holds the pieces

And hardships have been rife

He’d grown up during world war one

Too young to comprehend

The ravages on society

That this war was supposed to end

He’d been married in the depression

No grand ceremony for them

Just a priest, family and friends

But his bride a precious gem

And slowly we form a picture

From what is left behind



VII

From what is left behind

We see children being born

Though it’s not always a happy tale

As from their arms they’re torn

He’d survived the Spanish flu

Though his brother, he had not

His children, though he had many

Rarely survived their lot

Whether they survived their first year

Or were taken before their prime

Their loss was barely spoken of

A terrible function of the time

That grief was never processed and

There is no closure here



VIII

There is no closure here

For the friends lost along the way

Sacrificed to foreign battlefields

Not marked where they lay

The scars he, and so many like him,

Brought home from world war two

Were far less visible

And a feeling of isolation grew

Today we know and recognise

The trauma and its effects long lasting

A lifetimes worth, in fact,

The shadows long it’s casting

Even after he has left us

I must make peace with this



IX

I must make peace with this

Disjointed history he presents

And fill the spaces with the love

He hid from those events

The lifelong love of his wife

Who stayed through thick and thin

And saw the man underneath

And forgave him every sin

The children who survived him

Who cowered when he rose

But never saw the lengths he’d go

To protect them from the woes

And now that he’s no longer here

I wish I could sit by his feet



X

I wish I could sit by his feet

And tell him about my day

Or cook him vegetables in proper style

No matter what he might say

I’d learn how to change a tyre

Or mend a broken fence

To play a game of backgammon

And discuss common sense

We’d hang Christmas decorations

Hide Easter eggs in watering cans

Pretending to hate Valentine’s Day

And talk about holiday plans

I miss those days when I was young

Listening to stories of old



XI

Listening to stories of old

I yearn to ask the hard questions

About his thoughts on world affairs

And listen to his suggestions

But now he cannot answer

His views lost to the universe

We that are left not knowing

If they would be kind or kind of terse

He never announced his pride

But I’m sure he felt it still

As I rushed to show off trophies

It gave me such a thrill

I miss that excitement

Those times are long since gone



XII

Those times are long since gone

But every picture I see

Reminds me of the times we spent

And what he meant to me

The long hours he worked

To put food on the table

Being there for the family

As much as he was able

But men of that time did express

The bottled up everything inside

It wasn’t the manly thing to do

Their emotions they had to hide

How I want to help unlock them but

The chance has passed me by



XIII

The chance has passed me by

But I will make the most of it

I will remember the caring man

Upon whose knee I would sit

The man who would listen to me ramble

About what I’d done at school

Where I’d been last weekend

And how many laps I’d done in the pool

I’d help call him for dinner when he went deaf

While other grandkids stayed away

I think they missed the best of him

And I loved him more with each passing day

And now I must come to grips with the fact

Maybe I didn’t know him at all



XIV

Maybe I didn’t know him at all

But that’s no reason to give up

Or forget what we had

And to him I’ll raise a cup

Not a glass of wine or beer

But a mug of Earl Grey tea

That soothed him in the evening

And bonded him to me

I’ll never know all his stories

All the things that made him tick

All his hopes and dreams

But I knew him in my childish way

And I think, just maybe, it’s ok that

I used to know him well



XV

I used to know him well

That man laid out before me

Now I realise how little

I should have asked those questions

The answers will never come

I can piece together some

From what is left behind

There is no closure here

I must make peace with this

I wish I could sit by his feet

Listening to stories of old

Those times are long since gone

The chance has passed me by

Maybe I didn’t know him at all

The Loss of Innocence

03/12/2020 – Poem a Day Compilation



Take me back to the before

When idyllic summers were misremembered

As more perfect than they had a right to be

And people were genuine.



Tell me that such a time existed

Not just in the recesses of my grown mind

But in a reality not so harsh and cruel

As experience deems fit to show me.



Let me pretend, just once more,

That the superficial, animalistic lustings

Of men old enough to know better

Are figments of my imagination.



Return to me the trust I had

In the honour of parents to keep secrets,

Now stripped unceremoniously from my eyes

Never to be seen again.



Allow me to spend one more day

Sitting at the foot of a man

Who inspired fear in all others

But fostered my innocence.



Save me from a reality that stains my heart

With loss, and grief, and a heartache that burns;

That wrenches a knowledge of all that trembles

From the dark niches of this world.



Take me back to the before

When fairy tales merged with the everyday

In such a way that reality itself was bent

And innocence was not lost in time.

Anniversary

17/10/2020 -  Poem a Day Compilation



A lot has happened in the last year.

A lot I’ve faced with abundant fear.



Everyone would say how brave I was being

But they could not see what I was seeing.



A world without your smiling face.

A world where I cannot keep pace.



I wake and you’re not there beside me,

But memories of you won’t let me be.



Too many dinners cooked you wouldn’t eat.

Too many lunch dates you won’t meet.



Your clothes hung in the wardrobe for too long

But giving them away seemed so very wrong.



I avoided places we used to go.

I avoided people we used to know.



I wanted to hold your memory tight

But I also wanted to run from it in fright.



There were spaces that you used to fill.

There were days that were a bitter pill.



Time passing doesn’t change that you’re gone

But each day I take another step on.



I went to my first concert alone.

I went wearing your favourite cologne.



I travelled with the kids to see your parents

But I wore your watch under my garments.



Those nights when we would have been out;

Those night were often filled with doubt.



I’ve started on the things I never thought I could

But I am also doing things you thought I should.



I’m not sure how I’ve made It this far.

I’m just blessed to have known who you are.

Home from Work

08/10/2020 – Poem a Day Compilation



I’m stretched out on the couch

Exhausted beyond comprehension

Colour drained from my face,

Not that you’d notice under the makeup.



I’m too tired to eat anything tonight,

I know the others will want food

But they can wait a few minutes more

Until I’ve summoned the energy.



I’m proud of myself, though –

I managed to get through the day

Only needing to leave the office twice

For a quiet cry in the bathroom.



I’m terrified of the days I don’t cry

Because it feels like I’m forgetting

And I don’t want to forget

But I can’t live like this forever.



I’m trying so hard to not fall apart,

To not let anyone in my life down,

Yet I know I’m letting everyone down

Because I can’t make them understand.



I’m trying to spare them from this loss.

No one should have to feel like I do

Or grieve for someone they never met

When I carry enough grief for us all.



I’m not up to clearing the room out yet,

All the toys are still carefully arranged,

The furniture we’d saved from our first

Dragged out of the garage not so long ago.



I’m not ready to face that final hurdle.

I haven’t even opened the door

When seeing the name plate breaks me

In more ways than I could have imagined.



I’m alone with my thoughts too often

To be comfortable with them right now,

They overwhelm me still

And I need the distraction of company.



I’m aware that those we told the news

Have run out of words to say

And aren’t able to put their lives on hold

To cradle this family back to health.



I’m running out of pre-cooked meals

That saved me from thinking too much

When all I had to do was press reheat

On the microwave on the kitchen bench.



I’m sorely lacking any clean clothes

Because I’ve forgotten to do the laundry

For two weeks straight, now,

After my mother went home.



I’m lucky I don’t have to drive to work

Because I’m sure I wouldn’t make it there,

Not in one piece anyway,

And I don’t want to leave them short.



I’m sorry I had to use my leave

So much earlier than I expected

But I was in too much pain

And my brain wouldn’t function.



I’m afraid that the ache in my heart will stop

But the one in the pit of my stomach

Will carry on for the rest of my days

Leaving me numb and nauseous forever.



I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do

With this affection I developed.

I don’t know how to process it

And I am left feeling empty.



I’m struggling without even a photo to hold,

Just the agonising passing of time

Feeling the life drain from me

Slowly and excruciatingly.



I’m scared of the look on people’s face

When the words come out of my mouth

And it’s all I can do not to break completely

When they can offer no more than sympathy.

Shelter

21/09/2020 - Poem a Day Compilation



Grief is an infinite maze

With blind alleys

And dead ends

And seemingly endless paths

That lead on and on

Without end or pause.



Grief is a moment

Replayed ‘til the end of time

Sometimes at full volume

Sometimes on a scratched record

And sometimes so low

It’s barely audible.



Grief is my shelter

Where I go to hide from the pain

Of not having you here

Of not seeing your face, and

Where I let my emotions leak from eyes

To be refilled as I dream.

Ladders in the Sky

08/09/2020 -  Poem a Day Compilation



I looked up and you weren’t there

No clouds or birds or even blue

No sound of your voice wafting by

Just those ladders in the sky



I tried to climb them but I could not reach

I planted a tree so it would grow and

I could use its branches to lift me higher

But it sprouted low and like a brier.



I moulded stairs from the finest clay

But before I could scale its height

The rain came and washed it down

Leaving a puddle of mud so brown



I piled stones as high as I was able

But they crumbled before me into dust

Under the weight of expectations

I’m unable to reach the constellations



I searched the sky for your face

But I didn’t know how to get to you

And wished I could fly so high

To grasp those ladders in the sky

Lustre

15/08/2020 -  Poem a Day Compilation



I thought that life had lost its lustre

That it was only full of greys

I felt the storm clouds overhead

And wept outside while it rained



I’d held your hand in waiting rooms

Driven you home with tears in my eyes

I’d mourned you every time you slept

And rejoiced in every waking hour



I scheduled appointments all over the city

Tried to find that one thing that worked

Even if it wasn’t a cure

Maybe it would buy us more time



Then one day you stood by the door

And smiled so completely serenely

You didn’t want to go see the doctor

Not this one or anyone else



The sun streamed in through the window

Giving you an angelic glow

And all I could do was surrender

Even though it meant letting go



We walked to the park instead

And sat by the pond on a bench

Other children fed ducks by the waters edge

And you rested your head on my chest



You drifted off into dreamland

Where you’d run and play as you should

And I knew that I would never wake you

Or hold you again as I did



I carried you back to your bed

A soft afternoon glow filled the room

Outside the birds were a-twittering

And my heart swelled with love for you



I called the ambulance quietly

My voice trembling as I spoke

And though you wouldn’t have heard me

I didn’t want you to know



I held your hand all the way

Because you were my little girl

My love, my world and my everything

And I couldn’t leave you all alone



Then the nurse said that it was time

But who would hold my hand

Now you were finally resting

And I was on my own?

The Intimacy of Small Things

10/06/2020 – Iso Well-Being Compilation

 

I don’t miss the way you’d leave the towels

In a pile on the floor after you’d had a shower

And I had to put them back on the towel rail

So they would actually dry off again.

 

I do miss the way you’d shimmer and shine

When you stepped out of the shower

All drippy and covered in goose bumps

From the cold, mid-August night air.

 

I don’t miss the cheap flowers bought in haste

At the petrol station on the corner every year

Because you’d forgotten to plan ahead, again,

And you were already in the bad books.

 

I do miss the wrap around hugs of an evening

When I was trying to do the washing up

And you’d tell me about your day at work

Before planting a kiss on my cheek.

 

I don’t miss the constant disagreements

Over whether the toilet paper should sit

With the next sheet hanging over or under

When you knew I was clearly right.

 

I do miss the constant reminders you’d leave

Around the house before you left for your bus,

Written hastily on post it notes which half stuck,

That said, “I love you” or “I miss you already.”

 

I don’t miss the long hours at the hospital

Waiting for the myriad of tests to come back

And the rounds of treatment that you hated

Because they made you feel like a burden.

 

I do miss the sneaky smiles I’d catch you in

When you thought I wasn’t looking,

That made me break into a smile as well

And you’d ask me why I was smiling.

 

I don’t miss the snoring in my ear

When I was trying to read for five minutes

After not having a moment to myself all day

Then you claiming next morning you don’t snore.

 

I do miss lazy Sunday mornings spent in bed

After the kids were old enough, and trusted,

To get their own toast for breakfast

Without destroying every room they entered.

 

I don’t miss the beeping machines

Every night while you were in that bed

Hooked up to drips and ventilators

That kept your body ticking over.

 

I do miss your voice, with its slight lilt,

Promising you’ll remember next time

And it won’t happen again but I’d give anything

To find one more wet towel on the floor.

The Ghost of Winters Past

03/05/2020 – Iso Well-Being Compilation



A shadow crossed my face today.

I thought it was just the trees

But looking back, I think I was wrong;

I think it might have been you.



I feel your soul in every sunbeam,

On every snowflake that falls,

With every breeze that kisses my cheek

And through all the years that lapse.



Your spirit lifts me when I am down,

When I am deep in the heart of darkness,

Surrounded by the cold night air,

And scared of everything that moves.



I see your presence as I walk this city,

In that building that you laid mortar for,

In those sculptures you crafted,

In the smile of our child as we play.



I have visions of you as I sleep,

Wrapping your arms around me

And telling me that it’s ok

But how can it be when you’re not here?



I hear your voice sometimes,

And I turn to answer you

But there’s no one there,

Just an hallucination, haunting me,



You are a shade on a clear blue day,

Misting my eyes so I cannot see you;

I can’t unsee you, though.

You’re burned into my memory.



You drift from me,

A phantom of delight.

Never quite within my reach,

Slipping slowly away forever.



The dreaded spectre of a life without you

Looms large and foreboding now,

Though it never feels real,

As if you’d walk through the door any moment.



I am spooked by the noises this old house makes,

The creaks like footsteps on the stairs

And the whistling of wind through cracks

You promised to repair before you …



I get thrown by fleeting sights of men

Who bear some passing resemblance to you,

A doppelganger sent to tease me

When I all I wish is to grieve in peace.



You are but a wraith,

Lingering too long, perhaps,

Unable to let go of this mortal coil,

Unable to let me be free.



Were I blessed with an apparition of you

I may finally be able to say goodbye,

To give you your release and,

In so doing, let my heart heal.



But the strings that bind us

Cannot be cut so easily

And you are with me always,

My precious Eidolon.