Reluctant

06/04/2021 – Poem a Day Compilation



I was reluctant to say hello

I didn’t think you’d say it back

You wouldn’t want to be my friend

You were too good for me



I was reluctant to ask you out

I didn’t think you’d say yes

You wouldn’t want to be my boyfriend

You were out of my league



I was reluctant to say yes

I didn’t think you’d really mean it

You wouldn’t want to be my husband

You were way too successful



I was reluctant to let you go

I didn’t think I could

You wouldn’t want to live like this

You were too much for this world

Death Everlasting

28/12/2020 – Poem a Day Compilation



When I die

Do not my body bury

For what good will it do

Six feet underground?



Take what you can

And gift it,

Allow someone to live

When I cannot.



Let my heart sing

In someone else’s chest

That they may love

And live again.

Australia

DonateLife | Organ and Tissue Authority

America

Organ Donor | Organ Donor

United Kingdom

Home - NHS Organ Donation

New Zealand

Organ Donation New Zealand (donor.co.nz)

Ireland

Strange Boat - On a life-giving journey - Strange Boat Donor Foundation (organdonation.ie)

If your country is not listed above please put a link in the comments section to your countries official organ donation website.

Mood

08/12/2020 - Poem a Day Compilation



I’d like to escape from myself sometimes

When the sadness overwhelms me.

It’s always with me, deep inside

A sinking melancholy dragging me down.



I am forlorn and in despair,

There is nothing I can do

No saving grace to pull me through

And I must only survive this downheartedness.



I am not worth the time or effort

To repair my broken soul.

Just abandon me here,

Because I am not of any value.



It is laughable that I should be held

To be the best person for the job

Regardless of what the position is,

I will never meet the requirements.



I hate myself for feeling this way

But there’s no one to blame by myself,

Every day, I must atone for the wrong

That I have wrought every day prior.



I think about the world without me,

How much better that might be.

If I weren’t here to screw things up,

And no one would miss me anyhow.



I don’t want to go out to the movies,

Or read that book you recommended.

I don’t want to play football this year,

I just can’t be bothered anymore.



People say they’re trying to help

But they don’t stick around very long,

They get tired of me and leave,

Not that I blame them for that.



I haven’t slept in so long,

Not real sleep, anyway.

I lie awake at night, staring at the ceiling,

Wondering why I’m even here.



I don’t eat anymore.

Not unless I’m forced to.

The doctors say it’s unhealthy

But they don’t really care.



I just want to be left alone,

To stay in bed and not do anything,

I don’t want to move, or work,

Or talk to these people who say they’re friends.



Don’t talk to me right now,

I can’t focus on what you’re saying.

My mind is off, somewhere,

Anywhere but here.



No, I don’t know what I want to put on,

I don’t care what colour it is,

Why are you asking me to decide?

I don’t know what you want.



I stood at the top of the cliffs

I swallowed all the pills in the cabinet

I drove into a tree at high speed

But none of you will let me go.



The pain I feel is excoriating,

Every joint aches all the time.

I just want to be free from it all

And to not have the agony prolonged.



My bag is packed and under my bed,

Like it has been since I was twelve

I don’t want to be here

But you won’t let me leave this place.



Nothing I do is right,

I can’t live like this any more

The constant attempts and failures

Are eating away at my very soul.



You all have it so easy,

You breeze through every hurdle.

I hate what this world has made me

And I hate the world as well.



One day I will burn this place

And everything it contains.

Maybe it will take me, too,

And I will be at peace.

Anniversary

17/10/2020 -  Poem a Day Compilation



A lot has happened in the last year.

A lot I’ve faced with abundant fear.



Everyone would say how brave I was being

But they could not see what I was seeing.



A world without your smiling face.

A world where I cannot keep pace.



I wake and you’re not there beside me,

But memories of you won’t let me be.



Too many dinners cooked you wouldn’t eat.

Too many lunch dates you won’t meet.



Your clothes hung in the wardrobe for too long

But giving them away seemed so very wrong.



I avoided places we used to go.

I avoided people we used to know.



I wanted to hold your memory tight

But I also wanted to run from it in fright.



There were spaces that you used to fill.

There were days that were a bitter pill.



Time passing doesn’t change that you’re gone

But each day I take another step on.



I went to my first concert alone.

I went wearing your favourite cologne.



I travelled with the kids to see your parents

But I wore your watch under my garments.



Those nights when we would have been out;

Those night were often filled with doubt.



I’ve started on the things I never thought I could

But I am also doing things you thought I should.



I’m not sure how I’ve made It this far.

I’m just blessed to have known who you are.

Home from Work

08/10/2020 – Poem a Day Compilation



I’m stretched out on the couch

Exhausted beyond comprehension

Colour drained from my face,

Not that you’d notice under the makeup.



I’m too tired to eat anything tonight,

I know the others will want food

But they can wait a few minutes more

Until I’ve summoned the energy.



I’m proud of myself, though –

I managed to get through the day

Only needing to leave the office twice

For a quiet cry in the bathroom.



I’m terrified of the days I don’t cry

Because it feels like I’m forgetting

And I don’t want to forget

But I can’t live like this forever.



I’m trying so hard to not fall apart,

To not let anyone in my life down,

Yet I know I’m letting everyone down

Because I can’t make them understand.



I’m trying to spare them from this loss.

No one should have to feel like I do

Or grieve for someone they never met

When I carry enough grief for us all.



I’m not up to clearing the room out yet,

All the toys are still carefully arranged,

The furniture we’d saved from our first

Dragged out of the garage not so long ago.



I’m not ready to face that final hurdle.

I haven’t even opened the door

When seeing the name plate breaks me

In more ways than I could have imagined.



I’m alone with my thoughts too often

To be comfortable with them right now,

They overwhelm me still

And I need the distraction of company.



I’m aware that those we told the news

Have run out of words to say

And aren’t able to put their lives on hold

To cradle this family back to health.



I’m running out of pre-cooked meals

That saved me from thinking too much

When all I had to do was press reheat

On the microwave on the kitchen bench.



I’m sorely lacking any clean clothes

Because I’ve forgotten to do the laundry

For two weeks straight, now,

After my mother went home.



I’m lucky I don’t have to drive to work

Because I’m sure I wouldn’t make it there,

Not in one piece anyway,

And I don’t want to leave them short.



I’m sorry I had to use my leave

So much earlier than I expected

But I was in too much pain

And my brain wouldn’t function.



I’m afraid that the ache in my heart will stop

But the one in the pit of my stomach

Will carry on for the rest of my days

Leaving me numb and nauseous forever.



I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do

With this affection I developed.

I don’t know how to process it

And I am left feeling empty.



I’m struggling without even a photo to hold,

Just the agonising passing of time

Feeling the life drain from me

Slowly and excruciatingly.



I’m scared of the look on people’s face

When the words come out of my mouth

And it’s all I can do not to break completely

When they can offer no more than sympathy.

Shelter

21/09/2020 - Poem a Day Compilation



Grief is an infinite maze

With blind alleys

And dead ends

And seemingly endless paths

That lead on and on

Without end or pause.



Grief is a moment

Replayed ‘til the end of time

Sometimes at full volume

Sometimes on a scratched record

And sometimes so low

It’s barely audible.



Grief is my shelter

Where I go to hide from the pain

Of not having you here

Of not seeing your face, and

Where I let my emotions leak from eyes

To be refilled as I dream.

Ladders in the Sky

08/09/2020 -  Poem a Day Compilation



I looked up and you weren’t there

No clouds or birds or even blue

No sound of your voice wafting by

Just those ladders in the sky



I tried to climb them but I could not reach

I planted a tree so it would grow and

I could use its branches to lift me higher

But it sprouted low and like a brier.



I moulded stairs from the finest clay

But before I could scale its height

The rain came and washed it down

Leaving a puddle of mud so brown



I piled stones as high as I was able

But they crumbled before me into dust

Under the weight of expectations

I’m unable to reach the constellations



I searched the sky for your face

But I didn’t know how to get to you

And wished I could fly so high

To grasp those ladders in the sky

Lustre

15/08/2020 -  Poem a Day Compilation



I thought that life had lost its lustre

That it was only full of greys

I felt the storm clouds overhead

And wept outside while it rained



I’d held your hand in waiting rooms

Driven you home with tears in my eyes

I’d mourned you every time you slept

And rejoiced in every waking hour



I scheduled appointments all over the city

Tried to find that one thing that worked

Even if it wasn’t a cure

Maybe it would buy us more time



Then one day you stood by the door

And smiled so completely serenely

You didn’t want to go see the doctor

Not this one or anyone else



The sun streamed in through the window

Giving you an angelic glow

And all I could do was surrender

Even though it meant letting go



We walked to the park instead

And sat by the pond on a bench

Other children fed ducks by the waters edge

And you rested your head on my chest



You drifted off into dreamland

Where you’d run and play as you should

And I knew that I would never wake you

Or hold you again as I did



I carried you back to your bed

A soft afternoon glow filled the room

Outside the birds were a-twittering

And my heart swelled with love for you



I called the ambulance quietly

My voice trembling as I spoke

And though you wouldn’t have heard me

I didn’t want you to know



I held your hand all the way

Because you were my little girl

My love, my world and my everything

And I couldn’t leave you all alone



Then the nurse said that it was time

But who would hold my hand

Now you were finally resting

And I was on my own?

Last Words

20/07/2020 -  Poem a Day Compilation



The taste of death is upon my lips. I feel something that is not of this earth.

- Mozart (1756-1791)

I am alone with my thoughts

And they are not good

As I await the emptiness

That death brings.



I straddle the void

Between living and dying,

Not knowing how my passing

Will affect those I leave behind.



What words might bring them comfort

As I slip away into nothingness?

My body but an empty shell,

No longer yearning for one more day.



Are there any words?

Maybe it will be a look, a gesture,

That stays with them

Long after I shuffle off this mortal coil.



Perhaps these will be my final words,

Written and not uttered by these lips

That have kissed too few times

And spoken in haste too many.



I hear them on the stairs,

My children now grown so big.

I must think of something witty to say

Lest they find me wanting of a quicker tongue.



I hope they cannot feel this pain

Of wanting to say so much

But not having the words to speak

Though I fear I betray myself.



No words are coming,

No repartee to delight their ears.

Just a vacant stare from behind dull eyes

Though I long to see them one more time.



I am alone with my thoughts

Of love and happy memories

That spill from my eyes involuntarily

As if to say goodbye.

The Ghost of Winters Past

03/05/2020 – Iso Well-Being Compilation



A shadow crossed my face today.

I thought it was just the trees

But looking back, I think I was wrong;

I think it might have been you.



I feel your soul in every sunbeam,

On every snowflake that falls,

With every breeze that kisses my cheek

And through all the years that lapse.



Your spirit lifts me when I am down,

When I am deep in the heart of darkness,

Surrounded by the cold night air,

And scared of everything that moves.



I see your presence as I walk this city,

In that building that you laid mortar for,

In those sculptures you crafted,

In the smile of our child as we play.



I have visions of you as I sleep,

Wrapping your arms around me

And telling me that it’s ok

But how can it be when you’re not here?



I hear your voice sometimes,

And I turn to answer you

But there’s no one there,

Just an hallucination, haunting me,



You are a shade on a clear blue day,

Misting my eyes so I cannot see you;

I can’t unsee you, though.

You’re burned into my memory.



You drift from me,

A phantom of delight.

Never quite within my reach,

Slipping slowly away forever.



The dreaded spectre of a life without you

Looms large and foreboding now,

Though it never feels real,

As if you’d walk through the door any moment.



I am spooked by the noises this old house makes,

The creaks like footsteps on the stairs

And the whistling of wind through cracks

You promised to repair before you …



I get thrown by fleeting sights of men

Who bear some passing resemblance to you,

A doppelganger sent to tease me

When I all I wish is to grieve in peace.



You are but a wraith,

Lingering too long, perhaps,

Unable to let go of this mortal coil,

Unable to let me be free.



Were I blessed with an apparition of you

I may finally be able to say goodbye,

To give you your release and,

In so doing, let my heart heal.



But the strings that bind us

Cannot be cut so easily

And you are with me always,

My precious Eidolon.

Drowning

24/04/2020 Iso Well-Being Compilation



It feels like I’m drowning,

Sucked under by the current.

It’s interminably slow.



My eyes want to close

But I can’t let them.

I can’t sleep now.



I’m trying to breathe.

Trying to keep my head above water

When it would be so easy to let go.



There’s an ache all through me,

Like I’ve run a hundred marathons

Barefoot and without rest.



Even my heart aches:

A horrific, slow ache

That never leaves.



But while I’m clawing up

There’s little to hold on to.

I don’t know which way is up.



Instead of hearing my screams

They drown them out

With their own noise.



Instead of a helping hand

I’m being held down,

Held under.



Instead of being the calm,

They are the storm

And I weep.



I pray to an empty sky

For a lifeboat that won’t come

As wave after wave overwhelms me.



I cry as I go under,

Sob into the void,

Tasting the salt on my lips.



This dirty mask is no protection

Still I drown down here

And dream of what might have been.

In my darkest hour

In my darkest hour

     You shone a light

     A beacon bright

     In the deep, dark night

You returned the smile to my voice

With barely a word from your lips,

You dried my tired, aching eyes

From across the breadth of the city,

You eased my mournful heartache

Simply by thinking of me,

You calmed my racing thoughts

And I cannot even tell you.

In my darkest hour

     You were always there

     A love beyond compare

     Showing that you care

You comforted me

Without need to play the fool,

You embraced me

From the other end of the phone,

You soothed me

Simply by speaking to me,

You reassured me

And I cannot return the favour.

In my darkest hour

     You healed me

     A gift from thee

     Expecting no fee

Sweet Child of Mine

I held you in my arms, sweet child,
When you were just a babe.
Your eyes, they danced like fairy lights
And caused my heart to flutter.

You could never know, sweet child,
What the world held for you.
I made a promise then and there
That nothing would ever hurt you.

Some things just aren't meant, sweet child,
To turn out for the best.
I couldn't keep my promise to you,
I was the one who hurt you.

I gave you everything, sweet child,
That money could ever buy
But, right at this moment in time,
Money won't help mend a broken heart.

You should know by now, sweet child,
That I always loved you.
All I ask is that you love me
And forgive me now, when I ask.

I won't be there, sweet child,
To hear it when you say the words
I've hoped and prayed you will
Because I can't ever ask again.

You don't know, sweet child,
how much I wanted to stay.
It tore me up inside, night and day,
To see the pain I was causing.

Some day you will see, sweet child,
The truth of this situation.
I know you blame me for leaving you
But forgive me in my absence.

I always loved you, sweet child,
Whatever you might think now.
Don't let anyone tell you differently
Because it simply isn't true.

If it could be different, sweet child,
I would change it in a heartbeat.
I would give anything to hear your voice.
There's nothing I wouldn't do.

Tend to my memory, sweet child,
Don't let it fade away
For a person can live forever
If only in the hearts of others.

Now that I am gone, sweet child,
I can't protect you anymore.
Everyone dies and it's not my fault
But forgive me, sweet child of mine.