The Arc of Loneliness

The weight of the world presses on my shoulders

The hands of an unfeeling oppressor

Digging in nails

Drawing blood

Shredding flesh from fragile bones

Until there is nothing left of who I was, am or will be

 

Tears of acid gouging rough paths in sunken cheeks

Below hollow eyes staring out in vain

Searching for salvation

Seeking the unattainable

Burned by circumstances beyond my control

Ashes of thoughts, destroyed by their own creation

 

Curled, child-like, under soft toys and weighted blankets

Protected from the harsh realities of the outside world

Cocooned by wretchedness

Cossetted by melancholy

A fate I have come, in my wisdom, to accept

Bereft of hope in any direction I happen to look

 

Maybe one winter’s day I will find my true self

Frozen at the bottom of an unfathomable well

Lingering there

Clinging on

Wondering if there’s any escape from this darkness

Or a flame I could ignite within myself

 

Damp wings unfurled against the dying embers of day

Struggling to see the beauty of their colours

Taking flight

No direction

Hoping the light will guide me to a better place

Where the weight is lifted from these tired bones

Mood

08/12/2020 - Poem a Day Compilation



I’d like to escape from myself sometimes

When the sadness overwhelms me.

It’s always with me, deep inside

A sinking melancholy dragging me down.



I am forlorn and in despair,

There is nothing I can do

No saving grace to pull me through

And I must only survive this downheartedness.



I am not worth the time or effort

To repair my broken soul.

Just abandon me here,

Because I am not of any value.



It is laughable that I should be held

To be the best person for the job

Regardless of what the position is,

I will never meet the requirements.



I hate myself for feeling this way

But there’s no one to blame by myself,

Every day, I must atone for the wrong

That I have wrought every day prior.



I think about the world without me,

How much better that might be.

If I weren’t here to screw things up,

And no one would miss me anyhow.



I don’t want to go out to the movies,

Or read that book you recommended.

I don’t want to play football this year,

I just can’t be bothered anymore.



People say they’re trying to help

But they don’t stick around very long,

They get tired of me and leave,

Not that I blame them for that.



I haven’t slept in so long,

Not real sleep, anyway.

I lie awake at night, staring at the ceiling,

Wondering why I’m even here.



I don’t eat anymore.

Not unless I’m forced to.

The doctors say it’s unhealthy

But they don’t really care.



I just want to be left alone,

To stay in bed and not do anything,

I don’t want to move, or work,

Or talk to these people who say they’re friends.



Don’t talk to me right now,

I can’t focus on what you’re saying.

My mind is off, somewhere,

Anywhere but here.



No, I don’t know what I want to put on,

I don’t care what colour it is,

Why are you asking me to decide?

I don’t know what you want.



I stood at the top of the cliffs

I swallowed all the pills in the cabinet

I drove into a tree at high speed

But none of you will let me go.



The pain I feel is excoriating,

Every joint aches all the time.

I just want to be free from it all

And to not have the agony prolonged.



My bag is packed and under my bed,

Like it has been since I was twelve

I don’t want to be here

But you won’t let me leave this place.



Nothing I do is right,

I can’t live like this any more

The constant attempts and failures

Are eating away at my very soul.



You all have it so easy,

You breeze through every hurdle.

I hate what this world has made me

And I hate the world as well.



One day I will burn this place

And everything it contains.

Maybe it will take me, too,

And I will be at peace.

The Road

02/11/2020 – Poem a Day Compilation



We walk this road together,

You and I,

But we see it very differently.

It’s all rainbows and butterflies

When you walk along it

While I see nothing of the sort.

All I see ahead of me

Are potholes and speed bumps

That I have to navigate around.

You see the flowers that grow

By the side of the road

When I see only weeds.

I want to see the world

Through your rose-tinted eyes

But it is faded and frayed.

I walk the road with you

Because I know I’ll see someday

The rainbows

The butterflies

The flowers

Not through your eyes

But through my own.

Sleepless Nights

18/09/2020 - Poem a Day Compilation



I’m so tired of it all.

The tears are welling in my eyes.

I cannot fathom a smile

Nor force a laugh

As I sit

All alone –

Not lonely;

Not unloved;

Just unwanted.



I am left upon the shelf,

An old maid made more redundant,

Gathering dust on my soul,

A wall around my heart,

My mind no longer a-buzz

But the softly clunking whir

Of a dying clock

Giving up its last tock.



I have no energy left

To make sense of this life,

Such that it is,

With hope slipping

Tediously away from me

Into a well I cannot reach

And whose bottom I cannot see

To be drowned in a soup

Of my emotional frailty

When perhaps, maybe, possibly

It is me that is drowning,

Dragged under by interminable currents

That wrap around me

In cold comfort

Like the hands of long forgotten ghosts

There, but not there,

Until I cannot go on,

My strength deserting me

In my hour of need

And I hear that pale horse riding by

The shoes and hooves

Clipping merrily as it goes on its way

Calling the forgotten

And the abandoned

And the forlorn

Like superfluous prizes

From a game no one desired to play.



I am so tired of it all

Yet I cannot sleep –

My eyes refuse to close against the darkness

And my thoughts refuse to quiet

As I search for that which I have lost

Or never had

And find myself wanting,

In so many ways

And by so many means,

Though I cannot hold onto that train

For more than a moment

As it vanishes into the night

And I crash in its wake

Upon the broken tracks of a life

I cannot control

Or fix

Or even walk.



I do not understand,

And the tears fall

Relentless reminders

Cascading upon the rocks

Like dreams I used to have,

Shattered before me

Into a thousand shards

That cut me and pain me

And torture me

Though no one sees

The blood that seeps

From every self-inflicted wound

And poisons the ground

Upon which I walk,

Nor do they hear my screams

Hurled into the void

And piercing my ears

Deafening me to all else

Except the pitiful whimpers

That accompany them.



I’m so tired of it all

But if I sleep

I may never wake

And that,

Somehow,

Might be worse.

Basket Case

04/09/2020 -  Poem a Day Compilation



        I’M not crazy.



Your head tilted on a curious angle,

A look of befuddlement washing over you,

No one said you were but

Strange that’s where your mind went.



        I’m NOT crazy.



There was anger in your eyes and, also,

An abject terror at the thought

That anyone might think you weren’t

In full control of your mental faculties.



        I’m not CRAZY.



You physically recoiled at the word

As it came spitting out of your mouth

As if trying to escape a body

It definitely didn’t belong inside.



        I’M NOT CRAZY.



You stood with such force that

The chair you’d been sitting in,

Seemingly in comfort,

Skidded back across the floor and toppled.



        I’m not crazy.



The silence was filled with resignation

And sadness at a battle not fought,

Let alone been close to winning,

As shoulders slumped forward and tears fell.

Living an Imaginary Life

23/08/2020 –  Poem a Day Compilation



Sometimes I feel like an actor

Performing in the production of my life

Reading from a script not my own making

And speaking words I have not authored.



I worry that someone will notice

That I’m not really meant to be here

And call me out as the impostor

That I know I probably am.



I struggle against the darkness

That surrounds my innermost thoughts

Encroaching upon and invading me

No matter how I resist.



I stand upon a stage

But the audience is not there,

Shrouded in the shadows

While the spotlight shines on me.



It burns through my skin

Attacking the very heart of me

Breaking me unimaginably

As I deliver unrehearsed lines.



My monologue is delivered

To a barely responsive crew

As they carry on with their own lives

Not regarding me here at all.



There will be no glowing review of this,

No roses thrown at my feet;

There will be no standing ovation

Or fans waiting by the stage door.



I tread the boards alone tonight

And every night before.

Imagining what it must be like

To feel that warm feedback.



But all I get it coldness

As the curtain slowly falls,

Never to be raised again,

No encore, just no more.

No One Understands

09/08/2020 -  Poem a Day Compilation



No one understands what it is to be me,

To live inside my head,

With all the insecurities,

The anxiety, the depression, the guilt.



I wish I could escape myself

When it all becomes too much,

When it threatens to overwhelm me

And I have nothing left to give.