The Arc of Loneliness

The weight of the world presses on my shoulders

The hands of an unfeeling oppressor

Digging in nails

Drawing blood

Shredding flesh from fragile bones

Until there is nothing left of who I was, am or will be

 

Tears of acid gouging rough paths in sunken cheeks

Below hollow eyes staring out in vain

Searching for salvation

Seeking the unattainable

Burned by circumstances beyond my control

Ashes of thoughts, destroyed by their own creation

 

Curled, child-like, under soft toys and weighted blankets

Protected from the harsh realities of the outside world

Cocooned by wretchedness

Cossetted by melancholy

A fate I have come, in my wisdom, to accept

Bereft of hope in any direction I happen to look

 

Maybe one winter’s day I will find my true self

Frozen at the bottom of an unfathomable well

Lingering there

Clinging on

Wondering if there’s any escape from this darkness

Or a flame I could ignite within myself

 

Damp wings unfurled against the dying embers of day

Struggling to see the beauty of their colours

Taking flight

No direction

Hoping the light will guide me to a better place

Where the weight is lifted from these tired bones

Poetry

21/04/2021 – Poem a Day Compilation



Poetry is a flood of emotions,

Captured in the lines of text

Consumed by the reader

And passed on from mind to mind



The words flow when I am sad

Like tears dripping from my fingers

Staining the page with expressions

Full of sorrow and distress



The words flow when I am tired

And can barely keep my eyes open

Yet still manage to make my fingers move

To get the words on the paper



The words flow when I am bored

And have nothing else to do

But stare at the page

Until inspiration strikes



The words flow when I am lonely

And they are my only friends

Keeping me company

When the world has deserted me



The words flow when I am depressed

To give me an escape from my own mind

And to let loose all the chaos

That builds up inside of me



The words flow when I am ashamed

Acting as a release from the burden

Of that which holds me back

When I think I am not enough



The words flow when I am guilty

No matter how inconsequential

The slight may have been

I feel it deep within my soul



The words flow when I am mad

At myself for not being more than I am

And for being too much

For other people to handle



The words flow when I am hurt

Trickling from a multitude of wounds

That I probably inflicted upon myself

In the wakeful hours after midnight



The words flow when I am hostile

Towards an imagined enemy

Closing in on the gates

To the fortress that is my heart



The words flow when I am angry

At the world for its depravity

And it’s soullessness

When it should be a comforting place



The words flow when I am selfish

And only thinking about my own needs

My own desires to be heard

And to create something more than myself



The words flow when I am hateful

The metaphorical bile rising up

And spilling on the page

With venomous force



The words flow when I am critical

Mostly of myself

And my achievements

Or lack thereof



The words flow when I am scared

That I’m not on the right path

And my world will fall apart

Leaving me bereft



The words flow when I am confused

Allowing me to understand

Myself and the world around me

Through meandering verse and stanza



The words flow when I am rejected

All the things I should have said

But never had the courage

Spewing out of me like a torrent



The words flow when I am helpless

Fighting against the tide

Without a lifeline

Unable to save myself



The words flow when I am insecure

Seeking reassurance

That I am not alone in my thoughts

And there is some way out



The words flow when I am anxious

Coming fast and furious

Over the rocks in my brain

Creating whirlpools to trap me



The words flow when I am joyful

And bounce from my fingers

Onto keys that show the world

The smile upon my face



The words flow when I am excited

Bombarding the readers with images

Burned into my brain

By thousands of neurons firing



The words flow when I am energetic

The power the sun pouring out of me

A million times a second

Filling my cup until it runs over



The words flow when I am cheerful

Bubbling up and out of the pen

Each letter, each word, each line of text

A drop of sunshine to light the way



The words flow when I am creative

Turning pictures into poems

And painting images in the minds

Of those who would soak them in



The words flow when I am hopeful

Because words can change the world

They can lift up the deserving

And shine a light on the downtrodden



The words flow when I am proud

Glittering like diamonds

Strewn across a sea of troubles

That have been fought and overcome



The words flow when I am appreciated

So that I can return the thanks

Given to me for a job well done

Or for time given up in the service of others



The words flow when I am faithful

To my own thoughts and convictions

Not swayed by passing phases

But strong in my sense of self



The words flow when I am peaceful

And at one with the world

Lost in a mediation with myself

That fills the noise in my head with quiet



The words flow when I am trusting

Of the process I go through

Of putting pen to paper

And letting go of the rest of the world



The words flow when I am loving

Showing that love for all to see

Showering all those who care to look

With a glow that radiates from the page



The words flow when I am thoughtful

Contemplating the meaning of life

All the intricacies of humanity

And why it is that this form speaks to me



The words flow when I am content

And for that brief moment in time

Everything is right with the world

Just as it should be



Poetry is a flood of emotions,

Born of the turmoils and the triumphs

Given with courage to the world

Without expectation of reward

The Last Image

08/04/2021 – Poem a Day Compilation



If I’d known this would be

The last image I’d take of you,

Would I have made the effort

To take another picture?



It’s quite a nice picture:

You’re sitting on a bench

Hair flowing in the breeze

Half a smile on your face



You never really liked it:

The lighting wasn’t flattering

And you didn’t fancy that top

With that particular shirt



Now it’s all I have:

A moment in time

Frozen forever but

Captured in the blink of an eye



So, I don’t think I would

Take another picture of you

Because that’s the real you

And the one I keep in my heart

Always Five

05/04/2021 – Poem a Day Compilation



When you were little

I wished you’d never age

You’d stay my precious little princess

Forever and a day

But I never meant for it to happen

Especially not like this



The last time I saw you

Your smile flashed across the park

Your pigtails swishing as you ran

My mind occupied with other things

And you climbed the hill

Ready to slip down the slide



It took me a few minutes

To realise you hadn’t come down

I looked around for you

All to no avail

And the search became more frantic

As the minutes themselves slid by



My heart was beating through my chest

Hands shaking uncontrollably

Air struggling to fill my lungs

As I screamed your name

And fellow parents joined the search

But coming up empty



The police were called

They arrived sirens blaring

To take over the haphazard search

And co-ordinate the organisation

Of checkpoints and interviews

As I broke into a million pieces



As every hour passed, I cried

Tears staining my face

Salt stinging my eyes

The heartache and fear within me

Tearing me apart

From the inside out



Divers scoured the bay

From the mangroves at the shore

To the depths of the ferry channel

Extending the search

Yet still finding no sign of you

Or any clue of where you’d gone



Your face was plastered across the TV

Every network running the story

Of a little girl lost,

Missing, taken

Somewhere out in the world

Away from her grieving mother



My life was turned upside down

As hours turned into days

And days turned into weeks

And still no sign of you

As if you’d disappeared into thin air

Like the angel that you are

 

Strangers blamed me

Their anonymous notes

Shoved viciously into the letterbox

Asking me how I could hurt you

And that I should burn in hell

For something I could never do



The posters with your picture

Stay on every telegraph pole

Replaced within a day

Should they fall or be blown away

Or torn down by unfeeling monsters

Who will never understand



Somewhere you are out there

And I hope you remember me

But as the years drag by

I feel I might be just a dream you have

That haunts you as you sleep

And you don’t know why



I try to imagine what you look like

As the birthdays come and go

And now that you’d be an adult

The fear that I wouldn’t know you

If I passed you in the street

Fills my heart with dread



What music are you into?

Do you still love to read?

There are so many things I want to know

But will never get the chance

Because someone stole you from me

And I fear I’ll never get you back



So, while you’re turning twenty today

I can’t see you that way

My precious little princess

All grown without me there

A life lived that I’ll never know

Because to me you’re always five.

Cantankerous (Sometimes I think)

03/04/2021 – Poem a Day Compilation



Sometimes I think you’re crotchety

An old man sitting in your chair

Annoyed at the world around you

And taking it out on all of us



Sometimes I think you’re just stubborn

Set in your ways since forever

Unable to change how you live or love

And unwilling to make any compromise



Sometimes I think you’re bloody-minded

Deliberately setting yourself at odds

With the rest of the family

Who only want you to be happy



Sometimes I think you’re ill-natured

From a life too hard to comprehend

And I wouldn’t surprise me in the least

If it played on your mind all too often



Sometimes I think you’re being testy

And it takes little to set you off

Your temper quick to irritate

And you’re becoming increasingly impatient



Sometimes I think you’re simply cranky

Grumbling about all of life’s woes

How nothing ever seems to be easy

And life is one struggle after another



Sometimes I think you’re grumpy

And grouchy and gruff and aggrieved

The whole world seems to be against you

Even if that’s in your own mind



Sometimes I think that you’re crabby

A surly curl to your top lip

Snapping and overly combative

Over even the most minor of things



Sometimes I think you’re temperamental

Prone to bouts of unreasonableness

With your quarrelsome nature overriding

All the good that hides deep inside



Sometimes I think you’re petulant

Like a child who can’t get their way

Arrogantly insisting everyone fall in line

Like a boorish sergeant-major



Sometimes I think you’re obnoxious

Acting out in spite against all who care

Making for many a prickly encounter

When it could have been so very different



Sometimes I think you’re cantankerous

But I know that’s not all that you are

And I must summon all my strength

To make it out from the cloud around you

Discarded

02/04/2021 - Poem a Day Compilation



You threw me away

As if I meant nothing

The days, weeks, months

We had spent

Discarded as rubbish on the tip



I cannot see it

Any other way

That feeling of uselessness

Overwhelming me

And weighing down my soul



You did not want my love,

My heart overflowing,

Anything else I could offer

Rejected all at once

With no thought for me at all



But you should not keep me

Out of obligation

Or to save me

From the world inside my mind

At your expense

Jekyll and Hyde: The colour of my thoughts

 02/03/2021 – Poem a Day Compilation

 

Your lipstick welcomed me

Like a moth to the flame

The roses in your hair tempted me

I was not to blame

 

My blood boiled at the thought

Of another having you

I saw red when you even glanced

At another man you knew

 

I bought honey dew and apricots

And we feasted on them all

It was an impulse decision

As we wondered through the mall

 

I should have bought carrots

To add to our meal

Instead of being frivolous –

That wasn’t part of the deal

 

That sundress you wear

Makes me so very happy

With marigold and lilies

And I hope I don’t sound sappy

 

Other men are yellow-bellied

Scared to take what is their right

Cowards, every single one

Afeared to show their might

 

I would gift you the grass, the trees, the leaves

If that should be within my power

No penny nor hundred dollar bill to much

To make my love for you too sour

 

Yet the green-eyed monster rises

When chance to meet a friend

And spend such precious time with them

From daggers through my heart I will not mend

 

My family stock blue-chip, trustworthy

Safe and strong as houses built

To protect fair maidens from such harm

That would cause lesser men to wrack with guilt

 

But I am blue without you near

Succumbing to that dreaded loss

That I may not breathe, my lips lose colour

And into a fresh grave my bones you toss

 

A purple haze descends around you now

Creating an air of mystery

That provokes a curiosity within me still,

That will be studied as monumental history

 

I am as King, draped in finery

Of deep mulberry and flecks of gold

But for you I would disrobe

For your eyes only this to behold

 

I am enamoured by your femininity

Soft chiffons of pink drape across your neck

While delicate bows lace your hair

And dreamtime petals mask the deck

 

I am drawn by your naivety

As innocent as the soft pink flesh

Of lips that never have been kissed,

Of body that my advance might cause to thresh

 

I am sturdy as the tree that stands

Protecting all that shelter here

Within my branches, each yet stronger

You should never know any fear

 

I cannot help but to wrap you up

And my mind does wander in this embrace

As your breast presses close to mine

To thoughts unclean and acts unchaste

 

You are pure as the driven snow

An angel freshly fallen from heaven’s door

That landed with such grace and light

I knew you were the one I must adore

 

My icy veins run cold without you

Feelings frozen and untouched

Harsh and cruel, without remorse

Miserly, my purse strings clutched

 

You are wise beyond your years

Not a hair any shade of grey

Yet you seem to know me well

And see the good in me, I pray

 

But stony-hearted I must appear

To those purveyors of doom and gloom

For I have no time for them

When radiant beauty I must groom

 

I look into your eyes and see a depth

As looking out into the night sky

Beyond the stars to another world

Being so beautiful I might cry

 

Dragging in all around it

My vast and unremitting soul

Feeds the core of my very being

The blackest and most infinite hole

I believed in you

01/03/2021 – Poem a Day Compilation



I believed in you

When you were broken

And led you to the light



I cradled you

And comforted you

When you cried out in the night



I gave you more

Than I thought I had

So that you may be whole



I nurtured you

When you were down

And fed your aching soul



Now you are

A brand-new man

Confident from head to toe



And I am left here

Torn in two

Watching you as you go

The Photograph

11/02/2021 – Poem a Day Compilation



Images tell a story

When words aren’t enough

They speak for those who cannot

And when words are too rough



They capture the moments

Too big to have to explain

That change the word entirely

Long after the words they will remain



They seize those intimate instances

That no one else would see

And lifts them up before us

And in doing so sets them free



They catch our breath at the humanity

Held within its frame

From life to death and all between

Without thought of fortune or fame



They encapsulate history

Like no retelling ever could

And showcase all that we are –

The bad, the ugly and the good



They depict those who have left us

That we might remember their smile

Or never forget the evil

That causes such revile



They sum up all our hopes and dreams,

Our triumphs and our joys,

The devastating grief and loss,

The stoicism and the poise



They portray the world around us –

The near and very far –

The ant upon a shining leaf

And the twinkle of a distant star



They denote the very best of us

And the worst that we could face,

The funny and the furious,

The absurdity and the grace



So, cherish all those images

And the stories that they tell

Because sometimes words aren’t enough

And the photo casts a spell

Tender

24/01/2021 – Poem a Day Compilation



You are the ever-loving soul

That caresses my heart

When it wants to shatter

Into a million pieces.



You take caring to another level:

Beyond the clouds that bring rain,

Above the stars in the darkest night,

Over any other I have ever known.



You shower me with affection

When I feel undeserving

And create a safe harbour

For me to take refuge.



You are the most kind-hearted,

Giving of yourself freely

When others would shy away

And filling the room with your light.



You are gentle and soothing

When times are difficult,

Calming stormy oceans

And saving me from myself.



You have a warmth that exudes

From every inch of you –

From your smile to your eyes,

To the tips of your delicate fingers.



You are compassionate and considerate,

Sympathetic and empathetic;

Concerned not with your own happiness

But with the fortune of others.



I am so fond of your tenderness

That I cannot adequately express

The depth of my feelings

Nor the breadth of my love.

The Change in Me

12/01/2021 –  Poem a Day Compilation



I thought, as I grew older,

I would change much more than I have

But I am still the same person now

As I was when I was sixteen.



I am still the insecure little girl

Who doubted her abilities

Yet always tried her best

Regardless of the result.



I am still that hopeless romantic

Who craved love and affection

But never seemed to find it

Or even knew where to look.



I am still that anxiety-ridden teen

Scared to face the world

For fear of anything and everything

And nothing at all.



The change in me is insignificant –

Now I see my insecurities,

The hopelessness, the anxiety –

But what good does the seeing do?



No matter how hard I try

The doubt, the desire and the fear

Stay with me like a second skin,

A part of me I cannot remove.

When the Storm Comes

29/12/2020 –  Poem a Day Compilation



Lightning scorches the sky

Instantly brilliant, then gone

A flash filled with intensity

Burning before my eyes

        And, still, I think of you.



Thunder rolls across the horizon

A low rumble filling my ears

Cracking and breaking

In wave after wave

        And, still, I think of you.



Grey clouds blanket the sky

Pushed by angry winds

High above me

Blustery and gusty

        And, still, I think of you.



Rain mists on the windows

Gutters overflow

Fences drip and shine

Grass is sodden underfoot

        And, still, I think of you.



Leaves dance up into the sky

Caught in the twisting duel

Of opposing forces

Before fluttering down to earth

        And, still, I think of you.



Hail shatters on the roof

Sending showers of ice

Flying to the ground

Like a carpet of snow

        And, still, I think of you.



A rainbow arcs across the sky

Glittering as it hangs above

Leading to a pot of gold

That I will never reach

        And, still, I think you

The Blank Stare

27/12/2020 – Poem a Day Compilation



I know words are being said

I can see her lips moving

I can’t hear what it was, though

There’s just noise

I can’t make it out

The sound didn’t make sense at all

So, I’m just sitting here

Under the blanket

Trying to nod in the right places

But my head doesn’t want to move

The overhead lights are too bright

And I can’t concentrate

I think she’s asked me a question

He lips aren’t moving anymore

And there’s a slight tilt to her head

I don’t know what to say

I missed the question

And the stuff before that too

I think I missed a lot, actually

She’ll probably need to repeat everything

I should have listened

She seems nice

I probably should have listened

It seems like it was important

I was listening

Then I wasn’t

I’m not sure exactly when I stopped

There are a lot of machines in this room

She’s saying something, again

But the lights and beeps are distracting

I’m just looking at her

It’s rude, I should stop

But I can’t because she’s saying something

And it’s important

There’s a knot in my stomach

But I’m not hungry

It’s an angry knot

Not angry at the nice lady

Who is looking very concerned

And reaches down to touch my arm

        “Mr Dugas, do you need me to go over it again?”

I blink

Tears are rolling down my face

There’s a lump in my throat

I can’t get those neurons firing

The words are stuck somewhere

All I can do is look down

And let the tears drip onto my gown

I suck in a deep breath

I don’t want to make her do this again

I nod quickly

I should have listened the first time

        “I’m Dr Blackwell. I’m head of oncology.”

I don’t want to hear this

But I have to

Revenge

21/12/2020 - Poem a Day Compilation



Revenge should not be mistaken for justice

It is savage and cold

Justice opens its arms in warm embrace

It is peace and truth



Seek not revenge against those who wrong you

There is no healing there

But seek, instead, the higher road

And live better for it



Revenge may taste sweet in the moment

But it sours quickly

The hurt remains as a cruel and wicked reminder

Of justice sorely failed

The Eulogy

13/12/2020 – Poem a Day Compilation



No words come

I am bereft

Of what there is to say



My hand won’t write

This day won’t end

The grief won’t be held at bay



I take the pen

And set it down

Let the tears fall free



This is no time

For eloquence

It is the time to see



What has been

And always will

Yet feels so far away



I cannot touch

I cannot hold

But stays with me every day



The pain is fresh

My heart is broke

I want to be alone



I close my eyes

And see you there

Imagining the smell of your cologne



I miss your face

I crave your smile

I fear what is in store



Where are you

When I need you?

I don’t want to do this anymore

Dangerous

05/12/2020 - Poem a Day Compilation



I am dangerous



Not to anyone else

Just to myself



I cannot escape



Feeling trapped

Is a way of life



I see no rainbows



My head won’t lift

That high these days

Graduation

04/12/2020 - Poem a Day Compilation



Twenty-three years have passed

Since I graduated from high school

With all the hopes and dreams

Of a teenager who could do it all



I graduated with honours in potential

To which I never lived up

Even though the signs were already there

Flagging where I was really headed



I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders

Bearing down on me alone

My graduation a stark reminder

That I had no one upon whom to lean.



I feel it still, pressing me down

Making me doubt myself in every way

Wondering if it’s all just a nightmare

And I’ve yet to graduate at all.

The Lonely Goth: A Villanelle

29/11/2020 –  Poem a Day Compilation



Were I not quite so alone

I might enjoy this solitude

But that is all I have ever known



I might let out a mighty moan

To convey this all-consuming mood

Were I not quite so alone



I long for love I’ve never been shown

By family that think my outlook is skewed

But that is all I have ever known



The bouts of despair to which I am prone

Might have somehow by someone been viewed

Were I not quite so alone



They just beat me to the bone

Their actions spiteful, callous and rude

But that is all I have ever known



I might not want to sink like a stone

Or bear the brunt of insults so crude

Were I not quite so alone

But that is all I have ever known

Thursdays at St Kevin’s

22/11/2020 – Poem a Day Compilation



There’s a church across the road

Where they have meetings in the evening

For all different types of groups

And for all types of different people



The week starts with the men’s group

Advertised as a place of discovery

About what it is to be a man

And talk about things that interest men



They spill out and cross the road to my café

Still discussing what they did on the weekend

And boasting about their child’s achievement

While chowing down on burgers and fries.



Sometimes it’s the youth group

Meeting with the hip, young pastor

Who tries to lead them towards his god

Through games and slices of pizza



Some of them are only their for the friendships

Having no interest or belief in a higher power

And the chance to hang out in the corner booth

Sipping milkshakes bought with minimum wage



Another evening is the women’s group

Full of those once considered yummy mummies

But now slightly past societies idea of prime

But still with so much left to give



Their meeting is later at night than the others

After dinner is done with the family

Sometimes popping in for a glass of wine

Before heading home to do it again tomorrow



But Thursdays are a sober experience

With a mix of people with a common struggle

Who find comfort in the community

They have found in a small church hall



Some are religious but most are just lost

Caught up in a spiral they couldn’t control

Until they encountered the support

That this disparate group could give



They come in for coffee afterwards

In pairs or small groups mostly

With a weight seemingly lifted

From shoulders that have carried so much



Sometimes they come in alone

And stare intently into their coffee

The steam wafting by their faces

Contemplating the entire universe



The usuals have their ups and downs

Appearing with monotonous regularity

Or with a deep-seated sporadic zeal

Intertwined with bouts of reticence



Some of them are in the program

Stepping their way to sobriety

Others just want a safe place

To unburden their aching soul



They may come from different backgrounds

And having different standings in life

But they all share a common goal

And take a common oath



These are friendships born of adversity

Of compassion and empathy

Giving new life to those who seek it

With open hearts and open minds



But not all the stories from St Kevin’s

End happily ever after

Not every torment can be resolved

Nor every would healed



Some fall off the wagon

Some fall from grace

There are no miracles in those hallowed walls

Only tales of the tormented types



As I pour another coffee

I offer service with a smile

The smallest of gestures

For those most in need



Whether they pay with loose changed scrounged

From the backs of couches and under beds

Or with crisp new notes from ATMs

They are all the same to me



They are all starting afresh that night

As they have every other time

Their conscience has drawn them in

The that church hall across the way



I would not give up my Thursday nights

For any other shift in the week

They are my favourite customers

Even when they never say a word



Because it wasn’t all that long ago

I walked a mile in their shoes

And Thursdays at St Kevin’s

Was my respite from the world

Friendship

21/11/2020 – Poem a Day Compilation



I have never been good at friendships

Or relationships with any substance

I seem to always expect too much

Because I give my everything



I’ve had to learn not to give so much

Of myself to other people

Because it’s never returned in equal measure

And I feel myself being drained



I look at people who have friends

Who can drop everything to help each other

And I wonder what that’s really like

To have lives so intertwined



I have grown increasingly accustomed

To doing things on my own

That I have forgotten how to ask, I think

But I also never feel disappointed



I used to keep things bottled up

Because I thought people would think

I am not as strong as I should be

And I never wanted to be seen as weak



Now I do the very same thing

but for very different reasons

I don’t trust people to care enough

To go out of their way for me



I want a friendship of shared experiences

Not of managing expectations

The bar for which drops ever lower

With every day that passes